fembuck | The Twilight 'Saga': New Moon

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The Twilight 'Saga': New Moon

So, I was dragged to see this on opening night, which meant I was surrounded by people who genuinely enjoy all things Twilight. That was a trippy experience for sure. I was killing myself laughing throughout things that other people were swooning over, and I was cringing throughout parts that had most of the theater clapping and cheering. Thank god, I was there with hater friends who supported my mockery.

Verdict: Well, it’s better than Twilight that’s for sure. Though, I'm not sure that's really saying much ;)

Thoughts:

Kristen Stewart still cannot act (at least in this franchise). She's not as universally terrible in this one as she was in the first, but 'okay' is a dot to her. Even the Twihards were laughing their asses off at her attempts to convey emotional distress. The ‘nightmare scenes’ where she is screaming in pain are excruciatingly awful. The brightside is that she looks consistently hot throughout the movie. She also does slow-mo running and chair-brooding well. So, at least this time around she adds something in the film in the form of eye-candy.

Ashley Greene rocks my socks. She’s great as Alice. She’s very warm and engaging and bubbly and perfectly Alice. She also is ravishing beautiful, but we all knew that already.

The Gay

1. Alice literally vaults over the railing of a set of stairs so that she can hug Bella (it’s a great shot).
2. Alice staring at Bella like she was a nice, juicy steak when Bella's arm started bleeding was totally hot. Ashley Greene is great at looking at KStew like she's two seconds away from jumping her.
3. Bella actually says that it is Alice leaving as well as Edward that has devastated her so much, and she writes emails to Alice constantly during the Cullen’s absence. Alice doesn’t get the letters, but Bella feels that Alice is the only person she can really talk to, so she writes the emails anyway.
4. The reunion scene is great, with a super massive hug and Alice looking all teary-eyed and concerned and calling Bella out on being a dumbass.
5. Unfortunately Bella does not sit in Alice’s lap during their talk, but they do sit very close together on the couch and gaze into each others eyes a lot. Until Alice says that something smells like “wet dog”.
6. Alice and Jake’s pissing contest over Bella was very amusing. Before Alice leaves the house, she cuts her eyes at Jake in the funniest way. She totally looked like a jealous girlfriend. Also, the line “I’ll come back. Once you put the dog out.” Zing!
7. They hold hands, I think somewhat surreptitiously, like AGreene just decided to sneak her hand on into KStew’s.

The Bad Girls

Dakota Fanning and Rachelle were fantastic, but they were not in the movie enough. After seeing New Moon I am super extra pissed off that Rachelle got fired. She’s fantastic. Total HBIC. Victoria’s scene was completely badass. I just cannot picture BDH being nearly as fierce. I have nothing against BDH but Rachelle is my Victoria.

Dakota’s Jane was creepy as hell. Loved her. Her HBIC entrance was the best. She was just like, “Bitches, come.” And they followed. And then her creepy ass smirk as she was torturing/trying to torture people made me giggle. Jane’s like the Littlest Mord’Sith. You know she’d totally get along with those fierce bitches! Can’t wait til she’s on screen more.

The Funny

The scenes with Bella and her Highschool friends continued to be the most watchable and entertaining scenes (not involving Alice, Victoria, or Jane) in the movie. Anna Kendrick (Jessica) is just fantastic. She stole every scene that she was in. Watching KStew try to act next to her was painful. Also, I loved Jessica calling Bella out on being a melodramatic freak of nature. Her distaste for Bella, mirrors by own so beautifully.

Jacob the Dog Boy

I’m Team Alice. But, watching Jacob and Bella on screen is so much less frustrating than watching Bella and Edward on screen. Jacob has a discernable personality, he has a sense of humor, and Bella actually seems to enjoy his company instead of just crying all the time whenever he’s around.

Random Stuff

Micheal Sheen was really creepily good as Aro.

There is a ton of fucking ridiculousness in this movie, like Jacob ripping off his t-shirt so that he could press it to a cut Bella had on her head. And all of the shot of ghost!Edward. But the most fucking ridiculous thing had to be Alice's vision of Bella as a vampire. I'm still not over how fucking stupid it was. The whole theater was laughing at the idiocy of it.

It was fun watching Edward get his ass kicked by Felix. Man I was hoping Edward would get his head ripped off.

Jasper's hair was ridiculous. Emmett was funny in like the three seconds he was on-screen. And Bella and Carlisle had really inappropriate chemistry when he was fixing up her bloody arm.

So yeah, this movie was tolerable and even enjoyable at some parts. I'm never gonna go near Twilight again, but if you gave me alcohol I could be convinced to watch New Moon again sometime in the future (though I don't plan on paying for it again).

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I just saw it. Totes agree about Anna Kendrick as Jessica, so awsome xD

The only reason my friends and I look forward to the Twilight movies to come out is because we have such a great time making fun of them. It sounds like this one is chalk full of material for that haha.

But I definately think I can wait for it to hit the dollar theater. I'm NOT paying 8 bucks for this lol.

Dude-

Carlisle and Bella did have really weird, inappropriate chemistry.

Dakota was so awesome as Jane in the three seconds I saw of her. I loved her pain-smirk,

I am in love with Demetri. He looks like such a d-bag. But I love it. It was also fun seeing Edward get beaten up. But here is the kicker: after sitting through all the emo-Edward apparitions and Bella-being-an-idiot and all I wanted to see was the Volturi scene and sure enough, I had to pee soooooo bad and it couldn't be avoided and I missed from the beginning of the Edward smackdown until the proposal of lame, basically.

I know! Why so little Victoria and Jane? Rachelle was amazing and freaky in her awesome running through the trees scene. And I love how they always give her the most badass parts of the soundtrack. She got Radiohead in the first one and whatever the hell that was in this one.

Also, was it just me or was there a huge amount of like, Jane/Alec going on. Mostly from his side..

Aro was awesome. I even get JCB as Cauis or whoever. But Christopher Heyerdahl does not fit at all.

Whatev, if I was stuck in Twilight verse I'd join the Volturi.

I saw it last night, and I thought it wasn't as bad as Twilight too. There weren't as many opportunities for Edward and Bella to be extremely awkward around each other, so it was already destined to be better from the beginning.
I loved any scene with Ashley Green too cause she's just perfect as Alice, and really tried to work the ghey in this movie, too. Belice is my otp, haha. KStew didn't really help with her shitty acting though.
Alice looking all teary eyed and distraught during the reunion scene was sooo cute. Although I think the reunion in general was better/gayer in the book.
And ah, I totally noticed Alice holding her hand at the end too, I was like, "Does anyone else even notice how blatantly in love they are?" Haha.

'ello luva...miss you and your acerbic self. yeah so i've been sharing the "rastabortionist" vid w/ all my friends to gear up for twatlight haterdom...i rather swallow razor blades w/ banging madeline albright whilst listening to celine dion on a continuous loop than endure any part of the festivous of lameness...

I have honestly been looking forward to your snarky review of this and it made me laugh and kind of want to see it, just so I can agree with you :)
I have not read the third book (Eclipse, right?), is Jane in it more?
Sooo...can we just have a spinoff movie with Alice, Jane, Victoria, Jessica, and Emmett? No Bella or Edward? (unless Bella was just there to be super-gay with Alice)

gag me with a spoon.
i cant believe i used to fawn over these damn books.
however, new moon sounds relatively better.
not going to waste my money though! ill just have to find another way... ;)

but your alice/bella commentary makes me very interested.
and i dont understand why kstew can't act in these shit films. i mean i saw her in Speak and I recall her being relatively better than how she's acting now. -_-

I'm excited for Joan Jett though.

btw, have you been reading up on Black Swan @ afterellen???

A bunch of us are going to see it tuesday night for a hating session. There will be alcohol involved, possible before, possibly during the movie. And popcorn will be our weapon against scary tweens.

Don't give in to the hatred, don't give in...

...

fail.

I hate this crap like it just excreted on my morning coffee. Hate it. The mere suggestion that I should tolerate spending any time on even thinking about this makes me nauseous. I wish porn was this popular at the box office, because that's what this is.

Completely unrealistic, unoriginal, boring, piece of seeping pus.

It's not funny, it's not entertaining, it's just painful to watch. I get no other enjoyment out of it than imagining it having the most painful death possible. Slowly getting driven over by a steamroller made out of angry cats.

Stephanie Mayer is like the L. Ron Hubbard of cheap romance literature.

Perhaps I should go see it now... or not. I'd rather stick needles in my eyes, that sounds like a fun past-time compared to seeing the movie.

I just want this vomit eradicated from the face of the earth.

.. ahh, that felt good.

lol how amusing. always love your commentaries. dunno that i'd want to watch this even for free. i still haven't finished Twilight; had to stop halfway. maybe for the lulz...

i know my opinion doesn't really matter, cause i'm not a twi-hard in the least bit. i read this book last year in detention and i hated emoBella and loved Jacob. like any lesbian, i totes wish Edward would die.

BUT i liked the movie, cause it was legit funny sometimes and really really funny to laugh at, cause i know what's redick and what's legit

nd Bella and Carlisle had really inappropriate chemistry when he was fixing up her bloody arm.

It is way less inappropriate if you believe my theory that Carlisle is creating a House of Sexy Good Times and Bella is to be the latest addition.

Also, that all too brief scene where Emmett is manhandling Jasper was UNF.

Alice + Bella = <3

Actually, from there is a Riff track for the Twilight DVD from the guys who did MST3K. It is supposed to be HIlarious!! Try that is you ever feel brave enough to watch Twilight again.

Just saw it yesterday. AMC has early matinee showings so it was only $5 a pop. I almost bit through my tongue as I had to stand in line and listen to tweens and their mother's yammer on about how Meyer is their favorite author and get this "Harry Potter is just too complex for me, Twilight's not as hard to follow." They also thought a Christmas Carol was scary and not like the movies they'd seen before. Duh. They followed the Dickens story, it's more mature!

So I turned around and started talking to two women behind my wife and I and said out loud that Meyer was crap. Which earned me a not-so-on-purpose elbow in the kidney from a Twi-Mom.

My experience went downhill.

The Bella as a vampire vision was the single, most stupid sequence I've seen in a movie since the Catwoman movie came out. And that movie brought the stupid hardcore.

Ashley Greene HAS to be playing Alice with a touch of "gay" or she's just really that sexual IRL that it bleeds over. Loved the scenes with Alice, dumbfounded at the raving over Victoria as she had a total of maybe three to four minutes of screentime. Sorry, but working on the otherside of production, she screwed the pooch. She may have Twi-Hard sympathy, but she's the one that blew it.

BDH though, I can't wait to see. If you didn't get to see her in Loss of a Teardrop Diamond in festivals, DEFINITELY see it when it's released. She's AMAZING. And I can totally see her playing Victoria. She's got an inner psycho Rambo that's aching to get out. It's always the quiet ones.

Edward and Bella can go die together and get off the screen. Focus the last two movies on Alice and Jacob finding better mates. Let Captain Constipation go follow Edward and Bella.

Cannot STAND KStew. That is all.

I can honestly say I never got sucked into the Twilight saga. I'm proud about that, I think I'll get a button made up..something along the lines of 'Twihard...sounds suspicsiouly like retard...think about it' I have a long rant about Twilight on my lj.

Actually, that's not completely true about not getting sucked in... Curiousity got the better of me and I watched the first movie. I figured if I saw something worthwhile I would give the books a shot. Um, yeah...long story short - I didn't pick up those books. The only thing that movie was good for was peaking my interest in visiting Vancouver. It look so purdy!

The funny thing is that originally, before all the hoopla over this fandom started, a co-worker told me about the books and I was intrigued. After all, I like the whole vamp genre, usually. But, for whatever reason (i call divine intervention) I never got around to asking her to borrow her copy of the book. Eventually, the buzz started to pick up about the series and I was almost tempted to read it. But then I noticied a pattern, that everyone who was telling me to read the book because 'oh my good it's so amazing, it's the best book ever, blah blah' were people who were, admittedly, not 'big readers.' Once I established that pattern I was completely dead set against reading the series and the more I heard about it, the more my decision felt justified.

I can't remember seeing Kristin Stewart in anything else but 'In the Wild' and she annoyed me in that too (mostly because she was playing a hippie and, well, hippies annoy me). I keep hearing how she's really talented though...guess the jury is out on that judgment for me.

Edited 2009-11-23 21:36 (UTC)

"So, I was dragged to see this on opening night, which meant I was surrounded by people who genuinely enjoy all things Twilight. That was a trippy experience for sure. I was killing myself laughing throughout things that other people were swooning over, and I was cringing throughout parts that had most of the theater clapping and cheering. Thank god, I was there with hater friends who supported my mockery.

Verdict: Well, it’s better than Twilight that’s for sure. Though, I'm not sure that's really saying much ;)"

My thoughts exactly.

I also agree that K's hot bod was what saved her act. I swear I closed my eyes at scenes that were...Oh God!

Ashley was the bomb.

Whenever she appeared I was like...splitting face.

At least Bella did something right...Enchanting Alice's name...

what you wrote made me lmao. and i agree totally with how bloody hard it is to watch twight when edward has to be part of any of the scenes

its great that alice and bella have some scene time together. and since i've read your golden slumber and the sequel after that i've only really been able to watch the whole twilight series with alice/bella coloured glasses.

I love what you wrote and it rings absolutely true with me. I just saw the film last night, though luckily the theater wasn't too filled with Twihards. I am definitely Team Alice and there were so many parts during "New Moon" where I wanted to shout, "Look at all the subtext!" I think I would watch the film again, if only to adore Alice and watch her berate Jacob when she returns. So cute.

Hello! A little birdy over at

femslash_today told me that you write awesome Alice/Bella fic, SO HERE I AM. Up until Friday I had always been a strict Twilight-mocker, but the huge pile of gay that was New Moon has given me a legitimate interest in the fandom. Or at least this tiny "Team Alice" corner of it anyway. ;) So I hope you don't mind that I'm friending you!

I hate the Twilight series with a passion...but I love femmeslash with a passion. Suffice it to say, my brief Alice/Bella searches have led me to your journal.

This quote but if you gave me alcohol I could be convinced to watch New Moon again sometime in the future. pretty much defines my movie experience this weekend. Me and my friends were basically like, "We CANNOT see this movie sober." So we brought some vodka into the theater. XD It was a good time.

Anyway, KStew and Ashley Greene are SO HOT that it made up for everything. I will continue to mock the series endlessly, but...I cannot deny the hotness of the actresses.

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