The Twilight 'Saga': New Moon

[fembuck]

So, I was dragged to see this on opening night, which meant I was surrounded by people who genuinely enjoy all things Twilight. That was a trippy experience for sure. I was killing myself laughing throughout things that other people were swooning over, and I was cringing throughout parts that had most of the theater clapping and cheering. Thank god, I was there with hater friends who supported my mockery.

Verdict: Well, it’s better than Twilight that’s for sure. Though, I'm not sure that's really saying much ;)

Thoughts:

Kristen Stewart still cannot act (at least in this franchise). She's not as universally terrible in this one as she was in the first, but 'okay' is a dot to her. Even the Twihards were laughing their asses off at her attempts to convey emotional distress. The ‘nightmare scenes’ where she is screaming in pain are excruciatingly awful. The brightside is that she looks consistently hot throughout the movie. She also does slow-mo running and chair-brooding well. So, at least this time around she adds something in the film in the form of eye-candy.

Ashley Greene rocks my socks. She’s great as Alice. She’s very warm and engaging and bubbly and perfectly Alice. She also is ravishing beautiful, but we all knew that already.

The Gay

1. Alice literally vaults over the railing of a set of stairs so that she can hug Bella (it’s a great shot).
2. Alice staring at Bella like she was a nice, juicy steak when Bella's arm started bleeding was totally hot. Ashley Greene is great at looking at KStew like she's two seconds away from jumping her.
3. Bella actually says that it is Alice leaving as well as Edward that has devastated her so much, and she writes emails to Alice constantly during the Cullen’s absence. Alice doesn’t get the letters, but Bella feels that Alice is the only person she can really talk to, so she writes the emails anyway.
4. The reunion scene is great, with a super massive hug and Alice looking all teary-eyed and concerned and calling Bella out on being a dumbass.
5. Unfortunately Bella does not sit in Alice’s lap during their talk, but they do sit very close together on the couch and gaze into each others eyes a lot. Until Alice says that something smells like “wet dog”.
6. Alice and Jake’s pissing contest over Bella was very amusing. Before Alice leaves the house, she cuts her eyes at Jake in the funniest way. She totally looked like a jealous girlfriend. Also, the line “I’ll come back. Once you put the dog out.” Zing!
7. They hold hands, I think somewhat surreptitiously, like AGreene just decided to sneak her hand on into KStew’s.

The Bad Girls

Dakota Fanning and Rachelle were fantastic, but they were not in the movie enough. After seeing New Moon I am super extra pissed off that Rachelle got fired. She’s fantastic. Total HBIC. Victoria’s scene was completely badass. I just cannot picture BDH being nearly as fierce. I have nothing against BDH but Rachelle is my Victoria.

Dakota’s Jane was creepy as hell. Loved her. Her HBIC entrance was the best. She was just like, “Bitches, come.” And they followed. And then her creepy ass smirk as she was torturing/trying to torture people made me giggle. Jane’s like the Littlest Mord’Sith. You know she’d totally get along with those fierce bitches! Can’t wait til she’s on screen more.

The Funny

The scenes with Bella and her Highschool friends continued to be the most watchable and entertaining scenes (not involving Alice, Victoria, or Jane) in the movie. Anna Kendrick (Jessica) is just fantastic. She stole every scene that she was in. Watching KStew try to act next to her was painful. Also, I loved Jessica calling Bella out on being a melodramatic freak of nature. Her distaste for Bella, mirrors by own so beautifully.

Jacob the Dog Boy

I’m Team Alice. But, watching Jacob and Bella on screen is so much less frustrating than watching Bella and Edward on screen. Jacob has a discernable personality, he has a sense of humor, and Bella actually seems to enjoy his company instead of just crying all the time whenever he’s around.

Random Stuff

Micheal Sheen was really creepily good as Aro.

There is a ton of fucking ridiculousness in this movie, like Jacob ripping off his t-shirt so that he could press it to a cut Bella had on her head. And all of the shot of ghost!Edward. But the most fucking ridiculous thing had to be Alice's vision of Bella as a vampire. I'm still not over how fucking stupid it was. The whole theater was laughing at the idiocy of it.

It was fun watching Edward get his ass kicked by Felix. Man I was hoping Edward would get his head ripped off.

Jasper's hair was ridiculous. Emmett was funny in like the three seconds he was on-screen. And Bella and Carlisle had really inappropriate chemistry when he was fixing up her bloody arm.

So yeah, this movie was tolerable and even enjoyable at some parts. I'm never gonna go near Twilight again, but if you gave me alcohol I could be convinced to watch New Moon again sometime in the future (though I don't plan on paying for it again).

Comments

[amluv.livejournal.com]

'ello luva...miss you and your acerbic self. yeah so i've been sharing the "rastabortionist" vid w/ all my friends to gear up for twatlight haterdom...i rather swallow razor blades w/ banging madeline albright whilst listening to celine dion on a continuous loop than endure any part of the festivous of lameness...

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

'ello luva...

Sweet talking will get you everywhere with me ;)

i've been sharing the "rastabortionist" vid w/ all my friends to gear up for twatlight haterdom...

Not that I was able to take anything about the movie seriously, but every scene with Laurent (aka Rastabortionist) just cracked me up because I kept repeating all the lines in my head in that godawful accent. That video is mint.

i rather swallow razor blades w/ banging madeline albright whilst listening to celine dion on a continuous loop than endure any part of the festivous of lameness...

That confluence of events is really the only thing that could be worse. Well, that or watching the first movie. This one is a cinematic masterpiece compared to the first piece of shit movie.

[amluv.livejournal.com]

you know "confluence" is one of my absolute favorite words and just thinking about you whispering it ever so softly make me feel a certain kinda way...;)

Well, that or watching the first movie. This one is a cinematic masterpiece compared to the first piece of shit movie.

i'm still trippin' over vampire baseball...the mind boggles j, the mind just boggles. however i am glad that you got to at least share the experience w/ someone who was in on the joke w/ you :)

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

you know "confluence" is one of my absolute favorite words and just thinking about you whispering it ever so softly make me feel a certain kinda way...;)

Mm. *sexy whisper* confluence ... confluence ... confluence ... confluence...

i'm still trippin' over vampire baseball...the mind boggles j, the mind just boggles.

I know bb, I know. My brain revolts against such stupidity.

however i am glad that you got to at least share the experience w/ someone who was in on the joke w/ you :)

This. If I didn't have partners in mockery I don't know how I would have survived the experience. Haterade was the only thing that got me through it. That and the perverse joy I got out of my mockery making an actual fan that was sitting beside me laugh during a serious moment because of my commentary.