So, I was dragged to see this on opening night, which meant I was surrounded by people who genuinely enjoy all things
Twilight. That was a trippy experience for sure. I was killing myself laughing throughout things that other people were swooning over, and I was cringing throughout parts that had most of the theater clapping and cheering. Thank god, I was there with hater friends who supported my mockery.
Verdict: Well, it’s better than
Twilight that’s for sure. Though, I'm not sure that's really saying much ;)
Thoughts:
Kristen Stewart still cannot act (at least in this franchise). She's not as universally terrible in this one as she was in the first, but 'okay' is a dot to her. Even the Twihards were laughing their asses off at her attempts to convey emotional distress. The ‘nightmare scenes’ where she is screaming in pain are excruciatingly awful. The brightside is that she looks consistently hot throughout the movie. She also does slow-mo running and chair-brooding well. So, at least this time around she adds something in the film in the form of eye-candy.
Ashley Greene rocks my socks. She’s great as Alice. She’s very warm and engaging and bubbly and perfectly Alice. She also is ravishing beautiful, but we all knew that already.
The Gay
1. Alice literally vaults over the railing of a set of stairs so that she can hug Bella (it’s a great shot).
2. Alice staring at Bella like she was a nice, juicy steak when Bella's arm started bleeding was totally hot. Ashley Greene is great at looking at KStew like she's two seconds away from jumping her.
3. Bella actually says that it is Alice leaving as well as Edward that has devastated her so much, and she writes emails to Alice constantly during the Cullen’s absence. Alice doesn’t get the letters, but Bella feels that Alice is the only person she can really talk to, so she writes the emails anyway.
4. The reunion scene is great, with a super massive hug and Alice looking all teary-eyed and concerned and calling Bella out on being a dumbass.
5. Unfortunately Bella does not sit in Alice’s lap during their talk, but they do sit very close together on the couch and gaze into each others eyes a lot. Until Alice says that something smells like “wet dog”.
6. Alice and Jake’s pissing contest over Bella was very amusing. Before Alice leaves the house, she cuts her eyes at Jake in the funniest way. She totally looked like a jealous girlfriend. Also, the line “I’ll come back. Once you put the dog out.” Zing!
7. They hold hands, I think somewhat surreptitiously, like AGreene just decided to sneak her hand on into KStew’s.
The Bad Girls
Dakota Fanning and Rachelle were fantastic, but they were not in the movie enough. After seeing New Moon I am super extra pissed off that Rachelle got fired. She’s fantastic. Total HBIC. Victoria’s scene was completely badass. I just cannot picture BDH being nearly as fierce. I have nothing against BDH but Rachelle is my Victoria.
Dakota’s Jane was creepy as hell. Loved her. Her HBIC entrance was the best. She was just like, “Bitches, come.” And they followed. And then her creepy ass smirk as she was torturing/trying to torture people made me giggle. Jane’s like the Littlest Mord’Sith. You know she’d totally get along with those fierce bitches! Can’t wait til she’s on screen more.
The Funny
The scenes with Bella and her Highschool friends continued to be the most watchable and entertaining scenes (not involving Alice, Victoria, or Jane) in the movie. Anna Kendrick (Jessica) is just fantastic. She stole every scene that she was in. Watching KStew try to act next to her was painful. Also, I loved Jessica calling Bella out on being a melodramatic freak of nature. Her distaste for Bella, mirrors by own so beautifully.
Jacob the Dog Boy
I’m Team Alice. But, watching Jacob and Bella on screen is so much less frustrating than watching Bella and Edward on screen. Jacob has a discernable personality, he has a sense of humor, and Bella actually seems to enjoy his company instead of just crying all the time whenever he’s around.
Random Stuff
Micheal Sheen was really creepily good as Aro.
There is a ton of fucking ridiculousness in this movie, like Jacob ripping off his t-shirt so that he could press it to a cut Bella had on her head. And all of the shot of ghost!Edward. But the most fucking ridiculous thing had to be Alice's vision of Bella as a vampire. I'm still not over how fucking stupid it was. The whole theater was laughing at the idiocy of it.
It was fun watching Edward get his ass kicked by Felix. Man I was hoping Edward would get his head ripped off.
Jasper's hair was ridiculous. Emmett was funny in like the three seconds he was on-screen. And Bella and Carlisle had really inappropriate chemistry when he was fixing up her bloody arm.
So yeah, this movie was tolerable and even enjoyable at some parts. I'm never gonna go near Twilight again, but if you gave me alcohol I could be convinced to watch New Moon again sometime in the future (though I don't plan on paying for it again).
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no subject
Date: 2009-11-21 08:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 12:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-21 08:31 pm (UTC)But I definately think I can wait for it to hit the dollar theater. I'm NOT paying 8 bucks for this lol.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 12:30 am (UTC)This. There's just an endless stream of things to mock.
It sounds like this one is chalk full of material for that haha.
Oh, you'll have a field day with this. It really is hilarious bad in parts, instead of painfully bad like the first one was. There's tons of things to make fun of in it. My review didn't even really begin to cover it.
But I definately think I can wait for it to hit the dollar theater. I'm NOT paying 8 bucks for this lol.
Smart idea. Although, going to see it in a full theater and hearing people yell at the screen, make snarky comments and laugh during serious moments adds to the viewing experience.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-21 09:16 pm (UTC)Carlisle and Bella did have really weird, inappropriate chemistry.
Dakota was so awesome as Jane in the three seconds I saw of her. I loved her pain-smirk,
I am in love with Demetri. He looks like such a d-bag. But I love it. It was also fun seeing Edward get beaten up. But here is the kicker: after sitting through all the emo-Edward apparitions and Bella-being-an-idiot and all I wanted to see was the Volturi scene and sure enough, I had to pee soooooo bad and it couldn't be avoided and I missed from the beginning of the Edward smackdown until the proposal of lame, basically.
I know! Why so little Victoria and Jane? Rachelle was amazing and freaky in her awesome running through the trees scene. And I love how they always give her the most badass parts of the soundtrack. She got Radiohead in the first one and whatever the hell that was in this one.
Also, was it just me or was there a huge amount of like, Jane/Alec going on. Mostly from his side..
Aro was awesome. I even get JCB as Cauis or whoever. But Christopher Heyerdahl does not fit at all.
Whatev, if I was stuck in Twilight verse I'd join the Volturi.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 01:02 am (UTC)They really did. I was kind of into it. This movie made me realize that Kstew isn't incapable of having chemistry with people, she's just incapable of having chemistry with Rob.
pain-smirk
Perfect description. And it was delicious.
I am in love with Demetri. He looks like such a d-bag.
He really did look like a super-douche. It was the combination of the hair, and his snooty baring, but I kind of dug him as well, if only because of his distaste for Edward.
Rachelle was amazing and freaky in her awesome running through the trees scene. And I love how they always give her the most badass parts of the soundtrack.
Oh, I know. I was super pumped during Victoria's scene. And she really does get the most badass music. The way she stared down the wolf was amazing, and then that flip kick she did *swoon*
Also, was it just me or was there a huge amount of like, Jane/Alec going on. Mostly from his side..
lol! It's not just you. I was thinking the same thing. When she walked into the room, Alec got a total boner for her. They were great.
Whatev, if I was stuck in Twilight verse I'd join the Volturi.
Oh, I know. They seem like fun. Honestly, I think it would be great to hang out with the Cullens as long as Captain Constipation (Jasper) and General Asspole (Edward) weren't around. Alice, Emmett, Rose, Carlisle and Esme are cool.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-21 10:28 pm (UTC)I loved any scene with Ashley Green too cause she's just perfect as Alice, and really tried to work the ghey in this movie, too. Belice is my otp, haha. KStew didn't really help with her shitty acting though.
Alice looking all teary eyed and distraught during the reunion scene was sooo cute. Although I think the reunion in general was better/gayer in the book.
And ah, I totally noticed Alice holding her hand at the end too, I was like, "Does anyone else even notice how blatantly in love they are?" Haha.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 05:51 am (UTC)This. I'm convinced the lack of Edward/Bella is the reason I was able to finish the book, and the reason that this movie was tolerable to me. Everything is just so much better when Edward isn't around. Even Bella isn't as boring when she gets to be around other people. She's still boring, just not AS boring.
I loved any scene with Ashley Green too cause she's just perfect as Alice, and really tried to work the ghey in this movie, too.
lol! I really do love Ashley for gheying up her scenes as much as possible. I like to think that she's a secret Bellice shipper. And your totally right, if KStew didn't have the charisma of a plank of wood, the Alice/Bella scenes would have been so much hotter. Still, Ashley managed to be gay enough for both of them.
Although I think the reunion in general was better/gayer in the book.
Oh, it was. They totally played it down here. They didn't have Bella sitting in Alice's lap, and then Alice and Bella cuddling while Alice told her about her past was cut too. I think the director must have realized that if the scene played out the way it did in the book, that no one would buy Bella with anyone but Alice ;)
I was like, "Does anyone else even notice how blatantly in love they are?" Haha.
I know!
no subject
Date: 2009-11-23 01:00 am (UTC)This. And she totally does manage to be gay enough for both of them, haha. I feel bad that she has to do all the work while KStew just sits around looking like she's watching paint dry.
think the director must have realized that if the scene played out the way it did in the book, that no one would buy Bella with anyone but Alice.
So true, lol. So true. I think more people would realize what a good couple Alice and Bella would be if Edward wasn't creeping all over every scene with them together, too.
Btw, I noticed another thing you could add to your list of gay. When they're in the elevator going to see the Volturi, they pretty much cannot take their eyes off of each other. It's like they're getting in as much eye sexin' as they can before they die, lol.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-21 11:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 05:36 am (UTC)Sweet talking will get you everywhere with me ;)
i've been sharing the "rastabortionist" vid w/ all my friends to gear up for twatlight haterdom...
Not that I was able to take anything about the movie seriously, but every scene with Laurent (aka Rastabortionist) just cracked me up because I kept repeating all the lines in my head in that godawful accent. That video is mint.
i rather swallow razor blades w/ banging madeline albright whilst listening to celine dion on a continuous loop than endure any part of the festivous of lameness...
That confluence of events is really the only thing that could be worse. Well, that or watching the first movie. This one is a cinematic masterpiece compared to the first piece of shit movie.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 04:48 pm (UTC)Well, that or watching the first movie. This one is a cinematic masterpiece compared to the first piece of shit movie.
i'm still trippin' over vampire baseball...the mind boggles j, the mind just boggles. however i am glad that you got to at least share the experience w/ someone who was in on the joke w/ you :)
no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 11:17 pm (UTC)Mm. *sexy whisper* confluence ... confluence ... confluence ... confluence...
i'm still trippin' over vampire baseball...the mind boggles j, the mind just boggles.
I know bb, I know. My brain revolts against such stupidity.
however i am glad that you got to at least share the experience w/ someone who was in on the joke w/ you :)
This. If I didn't have partners in mockery I don't know how I would have survived the experience. Haterade was the only thing that got me through it. That and the perverse joy I got out of my mockery making an actual fan that was sitting beside me laugh during a serious moment because of my commentary.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-21 11:16 pm (UTC)I have not read the third book (Eclipse, right?), is Jane in it more?
Sooo...can we just have a spinoff movie with Alice, Jane, Victoria, Jessica, and Emmett? No Bella or Edward? (unless Bella was just there to be super-gay with Alice)
no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 05:41 am (UTC)I haven't read the third book either. I started to, but I got too angry about 100 pages in and had to stop reading to preserve my sanity, so I don't know how big a role the Volturi play, though I know Victoria is in Eclipse a lot more (not that I really care about Victoria anymore now that Rachelle isn't playing her)
can we just have a spinoff movie with Alice, Jane, Victoria, Jessica, and Emmett? No Bella or Edward? (unless Bella was just there to be super-gay with Alice)
Now this is a movie that I would enjoy! And I'd say Bella doesn't even need to show up, because Alice and Victoria (Rachelle-shaped) can just have hot goga together. I've liked them together ever since that supergay photoshoot they did for the first film.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 04:18 am (UTC)i cant believe i used to fawn over these damn books.
however, new moon sounds relatively better.
not going to waste my money though! ill just have to find another way... ;)
but your alice/bella commentary makes me very interested.
and i dont understand why kstew can't act in these shit films. i mean i saw her in Speak and I recall her being relatively better than how she's acting now. -_-
I'm excited for Joan Jett though.
btw, have you been reading up on Black Swan @ afterellen???
no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 05:45 am (UTC)It's better than TWilight. I'm not gonna say, New Moon is a great film, or even a good film, but it's watchable and at points even enjoyable. Though there's still a lot of fucking awful bits in it (mostly though with Bella and Edward on screen together).
i dont understand why kstew can't act in these shit films.
I think it's because Bella's such a lame character. I loved Anna Kendrick in this, and I was thinking about what it would have been like if she played Bella, and I decided that Bella still would have been awful with Anna whose a great actress. So, KStew is just unlucky to be saddled with the second boringest character in the franchise. Poor Rob is stuck is suckiest character.
btw, have you been reading up on Black Swan @ afterellen???
Yeah, I posted about it a while back. Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis as ballet dancers who engage in an 'extreme sex scene'. Yeah, I'm there. I'm totally there.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 09:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 11:13 pm (UTC)And have fun mocking the hell out of it. The movie (and the audience) will give you plenty of ammo!
no subject
Date: 2009-11-24 01:58 pm (UTC)Can't say I wasn't warned about the horror but still, there was nothing there at all. Thank god we went on a cheap night.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-24 10:51 pm (UTC)lol! Yeah, I wish I'd been able to smuggle some alcohol into the theater. I didn't loathe the movie, but it definitely would have been better if I'd been able to maintain my buzz.
Though I'm back to shipping Alice/Bella pretty hard now.
This.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 06:47 pm (UTC)...
fail.
I hate this crap like it just excreted on my morning coffee. Hate it. The mere suggestion that I should tolerate spending any time on even thinking about this makes me nauseous. I wish porn was this popular at the box office, because that's what this is.
Completely unrealistic, unoriginal, boring, piece of seeping pus.
It's not funny, it's not entertaining, it's just painful to watch. I get no other enjoyment out of it than imagining it having the most painful death possible. Slowly getting driven over by a steamroller made out of angry cats.
Stephanie Mayer is like the L. Ron Hubbard of cheap romance literature.
Perhaps I should go see it now... or not. I'd rather stick needles in my eyes, that sounds like a fun past-time compared to seeing the movie.
I just want this vomit eradicated from the face of the earth.
.. ahh, that felt good.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 11:14 pm (UTC)Let it all out!
I bet you feel better now.
Also, I completely understand your rage and was clapping throughout that epic rant!
These books are shit, and the movies are just as bad. I despair that I'm going to have to suffer through promotions for two more of these piece of shit movies.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 11:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-23 11:10 pm (UTC)dunno that i'd want to watch this even for free.
I understand your position, and I can't really try and talk you out of it. There's really no reason for you to see this movie. In fact it probably speaks to your mental health that you don't want to see it.
If however you're looking for lulz I'd just give up entirely on the first film which was just soul crushing, and watching this one instead, because this one actually is ridiculously funny at times. I didn't want to hang myself after New Moon, whereas Twilight made me just want to die.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-23 12:52 am (UTC)BUT i liked the movie, cause it was legit funny sometimes and really really funny to laugh at, cause i know what's redick and what's legit
no subject
Date: 2009-11-23 11:12 pm (UTC)My thoughts exactly, but add loved gay!Alice to the list. Alice and Bella's gay was really the only reason I even bothered with the book.
BUT i liked the movie, cause it was legit funny sometimes and really really funny to laugh at, cause i know what's redick and what's legit
Word. I was entertained by this movie. I laughed at the funny parts and the ridik parts (of which there were many) and I went to a happy mental place during everything that involved Edward and Bella.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-23 02:59 am (UTC)It is way less inappropriate if you believe my theory that Carlisle is creating a House of Sexy Good Times and Bella is to be the latest addition.
Also, that all too brief scene where Emmett is manhandling Jasper was UNF.
Alice + Bella = <3
no subject
Date: 2009-11-23 11:15 pm (UTC)I like this thought, I like this thought alot. I like it even more cause it means that Edward must just be there to do chores. Bring on the Cullen family orgies with Bella on top please.
Also, that all too brief scene where Emmett is manhandling Jasper was UNF.
lol! I just couldn't get over Jasper's hair. It killed my ability to think anything sexual about him.
Alice + Bella = <3
This. Thank god, Ashley Greene seems to ship them too because they (or she rather) brought the gay.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-23 06:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-23 11:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-23 03:47 pm (UTC)So I turned around and started talking to two women behind my wife and I and said out loud that Meyer was crap. Which earned me a not-so-on-purpose elbow in the kidney from a Twi-Mom.
My experience went downhill.
The Bella as a vampire vision was the single, most stupid sequence I've seen in a movie since the Catwoman movie came out. And that movie brought the stupid hardcore.
Ashley Greene HAS to be playing Alice with a touch of "gay" or she's just really that sexual IRL that it bleeds over. Loved the scenes with Alice, dumbfounded at the raving over Victoria as she had a total of maybe three to four minutes of screentime. Sorry, but working on the otherside of production, she screwed the pooch. She may have Twi-Hard sympathy, but she's the one that blew it.
BDH though, I can't wait to see. If you didn't get to see her in Loss of a Teardrop Diamond in festivals, DEFINITELY see it when it's released. She's AMAZING. And I can totally see her playing Victoria. She's got an inner psycho Rambo that's aching to get out. It's always the quiet ones.
Edward and Bella can go die together and get off the screen. Focus the last two movies on Alice and Jacob finding better mates. Let Captain Constipation go follow Edward and Bella.
Cannot STAND KStew. That is all.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-23 11:18 pm (UTC)Oh, I know. I couldn't believe that scene. I was like, "Srsly? SRSLY?????" The whole theater erupted in laughter though, so at least everyone knew it was ridik.
Ashley Greene HAS to be playing Alice with a touch of "gay" or she's just really that sexual IRL that it bleeds over.
Word. I can't understand her portrayal of Alice unless she is deliberately including sexual tension. It has to be on purpose, unless Ashley must really want to bang KStew IRL (which is mind boggling to me).
Edward and Bella can go die together and get off the screen. Focus the last two movies on Alice and Jacob finding better mates. Let Captain Constipation go follow Edward and Bella.
Big word to all of this.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-23 09:20 pm (UTC)Actually, that's not completely true about not getting sucked in... Curiousity got the better of me and I watched the first movie. I figured if I saw something worthwhile I would give the books a shot. Um, yeah...long story short - I didn't pick up those books. The only thing that movie was good for was peaking my interest in visiting Vancouver. It look so purdy!
The funny thing is that originally, before all the hoopla over this fandom started, a co-worker told me about the books and I was intrigued. After all, I like the whole vamp genre, usually. But, for whatever reason (i call divine intervention) I never got around to asking her to borrow her copy of the book. Eventually, the buzz started to pick up about the series and I was almost tempted to read it. But then I noticied a pattern, that everyone who was telling me to read the book because 'oh my good it's so amazing, it's the best book ever, blah blah' were people who were, admittedly, not 'big readers.' Once I established that pattern I was completely dead set against reading the series and the more I heard about it, the more my decision felt justified.
I can't remember seeing Kristin Stewart in anything else but 'In the Wild' and she annoyed me in that too (mostly because she was playing a hippie and, well, hippies annoy me). I keep hearing how she's really talented though...guess the jury is out on that judgment for me.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-24 10:47 pm (UTC)This is it. The premise for the books is okay, and it has vampires which immediately intrigues me ... but then you're exposed to the actual content of the books/film and it's like *vom*
I keep hearing how she's really talented though...guess the jury is out on that judgment for me.
I keep hearing this too, and I don't believe it. I've seen her in a bunch of stuff and she's only ever been okay. She's not as bad in other stuff as she is in "Twilight", but she's never wowed me. Apparently she's good in "The Cake Eaters" but I'm so indifferent to her that I don't care to watch the film to find out.
New Moon
Date: 2009-11-23 09:58 pm (UTC)Verdict: Well, it’s better than Twilight that’s for sure. Though, I'm not sure that's really saying much ;)"
My thoughts exactly.
I also agree that K's hot bod was what saved her act. I swear I closed my eyes at scenes that were...Oh God!
Ashley was the bomb.
Whenever she appeared I was like...splitting face.
At least Bella did something right...Enchanting Alice's name...
Re: New Moon
Date: 2009-11-24 10:49 pm (UTC)This. Her entrance was one of my favorite parts of the movie. She always gets
gaygood entrances.At least Bella did something right...Enchanting Alice's name...
So true. I was happy to see that even in her special emo moping time that Alice was constantly on her mind.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-25 06:01 am (UTC)its great that alice and bella have some scene time together. and since i've read your golden slumber and the sequel after that i've only really been able to watch the whole twilight series with alice/bella coloured glasses.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-27 06:12 pm (UTC)Edward is the biggest ruiner of all time. I LOATHE him, and he turns something that could be dumb but entertaining into completely unwatchable crap. He is the worst character ever, and every scene in the books/movies with him is unbearable.
its great that alice and bella have some scene time together.
I love them together. It's just too bad that KStew can never really work up any emotions in this role, because if she tried to act their scenes together would have been epic.
jules
Date: 2009-11-26 04:38 am (UTC)Re: jules
Date: 2009-11-27 06:05 pm (UTC)This. And they were even gayer in the book (though I know that seems unpossible (tm Ralph Wiggum))
I think I would watch the film again, if only to adore Alice and watch her berate Jacob when she returns. So cute.
lol, me too. Alice squaring off against Jacob was awesome. As was Bella's desperation to make sure Alice wasn't going anywhere, and her verbal smackdown of Jake about how Alice could stay as long as she wanted.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-27 05:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-27 06:10 pm (UTC)Up until Friday I had always been a strict Twilight-mocker, but the huge pile of gay that was New Moon has given me a legitimate interest in the fandom.
Hey there brain-twin! That's pretty much exactly how I was. I loathed the first book, and I only read the second because I heard Bella and Alice were incredibly gay in it (and that Edward was gone for most of it). And although I still kind of hated the books/franchise, I did love Bella/Alice after reading New Moon.
Oh, here's the Master List (http://fembuck.livejournal.com/204275.html) of chapters for "The Edge" (my Alice/Bella opus) so you don't have to go searching throughout all my rambles!
So I hope you don't mind that I'm friending you!
Not at all! I hope to see you around :D
no subject
Date: 2009-11-28 11:39 pm (UTC)This quote but if you gave me alcohol I could be convinced to watch New Moon again sometime in the future. pretty much defines my movie experience this weekend. Me and my friends were basically like, "We CANNOT see this movie sober." So we brought some vodka into the theater. XD It was a good time.
Anyway, KStew and Ashley Greene are SO HOT that it made up for everything. I will continue to mock the series endlessly, but...I cannot deny the hotness of the actresses.