Fic: Twilight of the New Breaking Moon (Rachel/Ivy, The Hollows)

[fembuck]

Title: Twilight of the New Breaking Moon
Author: Janine
Fandom: The Hollows
Pairing: Rachel/Ivy
Rating: R (for language)
Disclaimer: I don’t own them.
Warning: MAJOR CRACK!FIC ALERT. MAJOR!
Summary: Rachel loses a bet to Jenks and has to watch the Twilight movie. Ivy is a good girlfriend, so she suffers right alongside Rachel.

Note: In this thread, bizarro_bluth said: Ivy/Rachel watching and mocking Twilight b/c OMG sparkles!! The following story is a direct result of this statement. Yes, I am already sharing the blame, lol. 

Ooh, it's also illustrated!

---

“You’re an insufferable little bastard!” I grumbled at Jenks as he twittered above me, cackling madly.

“Sour grapes isn’t gonna help, Rache!” Jenks responded, darting in front of my face and hovering there so that I could see his body shaking, practically quivering with the hilarity of it all. The sadistic little shit! “Run now, Ivy. While you still can. You’ve sacrificed enough for our itchy little witch, there’s no reason for you to bear this burden as well,” Jenks declared, turning around to look at Ivy very soberly, urging her with a gentle nodding of his little head to leave. “Go on, Iv, go on. It’s for the best. This one’s a goner,” he continued wincing, and making a cutting motion at his neck with his hand.  Then he stuck his tongue out of his mouth, tipped his head back, and pretended to die a painful and drawn out death.

“I hardly think it’ll be that bad,” Ivy responded, watching Jenks antics with an amused little grin.

“It’s Twilight, Iv. Twilight,” Jenks repeated buzzing his way over to her to sit on her shoulder. “Twilight,” he hissed, leaning towards her. “It’s disrespectful towards your people. And literature. You have a minor in English, Ivy. You’re supposed to respect the written word.”

Ivy’s eyes narrowed and her lip curled in distaste. She turned her head to the side to that she and Jenks were facing each other, and she said, “She didn’t tell me that.”

They held each others gazes for a moment, and then they both slowly craned their heads around to glare balefully at me.

“Wooooooow, Rache,” Jenks said, shaking his little tiny pixie head at me, as Ivy nodded slowly beside him. She had his back. “Really not cool.”

“Yeah,” Ivy said, shaking her head. “Really not cool. Not at all.”

Ugh, I thought. Shaming shamers shaming me. Not on my watch!

“I’m your partner, Ivy. When I suffer, you suffer,” I declared, jabbing an indignant finger in her direction.

Ivy, didn’t look moved by my passionate words and gesturing. Ivy, actually looked distinctly unmoved by my passionate words and gesturing.

“Plus, I’m scared to watch it on my own, and if you knew what movie it was I knew you would suddenly find some library books to return,” I sighed, admitting the real reason I deliberately allowed Ivy to misconstrue what I was saying by directly lying to her.

“I didn’t lose a bet to Jenks. I don’t see why I should have to suffer too,” Ivy complained though I could see her weakening. Mentioning being scared was a good way to do that, because her super-dreamy vampire instincts would kick in and she’d try to save me from anything from marshmallows to teen gothic horror films.

“I love you,” I cooed, smiling as I scrunched up my nose. It was my super-duper maximum power adorable-ness face, 100% precious new-born kitten and Japanese school-girl approved!

Ivy sighed, and I danced my way up to her and wrapped my arms around snuggling against her side before I leaned up to kiss her on the cheek. My hero.

Ivy sighed again. “Vampires like me are to blame for Hollywood’s increasingly neutered and precious depictions of vampires in films today,” she moaned. “People want to date us, and take us around behind the middle-school and get us pregnant, and wear matching sun glasses, instead of screaming themselves hoarse and peeing themselves a little when they see us. It’s good for us, as a people to be seen as a fully actualized, multi-layered community of people instead of monsters. But I think we’ve lost a lot of our street cred, and in a way, allowed ourselves to once again be relegated to a one-dimensional status. The only difference is that now we’ll buy you dinner, instead of making you dinner.”

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” she murmured. “Just something I’ve been thinking about between my silk sheets at night, while wearing my tiny negligee that I like to sleep in because I’m soft and vulnerable and sexy, even though I have fangs and drink blood for good time. I’m just like you, or you, or you, only dangerous and sexy in a way you can only dream of.  Of course, I'm also accessible and sympathetic to you. You wanna be me, you wanna do me, and you want to have my babies. That’s why I’m awesome.”

“Okay, whatever. This has been going on for long enough, I think we should get to the making fun of Twilight proportion of the story, alright Janine?” Rachel sassed sassily, giving me one of these looks:

(That’s Megan “Foxy” Fox at the 2009 MTV video music awards being unamused with whatever shenanigans were going on on stage. I think they called her a bitch though, so I’d probably be getting a little sassy with the camera too, if I were her. Whatever, I don’t even care. I love her. She’s awesome.

….

….

And with a gentle shove I pushed Ivy in the direction of the living room, and we marched forward to meet our destinies!

OPENING CREDITS

DA DUM…

The movie started up, and armed with warm wine and popcorn, Ivy and I settled down to watch.

“That’s a pretty forest,” I commented hopefully. The direction seemed pretty good so far. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as all of that. Catherine Hardwick is a fairly well-respected independent movie maker, and nobody’s seen any of Kristen Stewart’s film other than Panic Room, so she must be a legitimate actress. Certainly these two vagenius' couldn’t turn out an utter and complete turd-burger of a film.

“I wish she would stop talking,” Ivy moaned. She looked pained and I was glad I had been concentrating on the cute little deer instead of what Kristen Stewart was going on about in her non-descript, faintly whiny and yet still monotone voice.

“Renee’s such a hippie!” I declared.

“I know. Look at her hat.  It’s straw but shaped like a cowboy hat. She’s awesome,” Ivy drawled. “I’d never leave her to go live in Washington. Ugh, what a downer. They can’t even afford half the colour spectrum. Look how blue everything is all of a sudden. It’s because people aren’t really living there! They’re just existing, Rachel. Waiting … for something special, something exciting, something unusual to come along and change their lives!”

“So that’ll be the vampires then?” I asked.

Ivy nodded. “We light up your life.”

“Holy hell!  That obviously Native American and not at all a tan white guy’s wig is terrible,” I whimpered. God, I mean really, it was just godawful. His smile could light up a stadium though, couldn’t it? I thought drifting away in ... thought.

“Oh, Rachel. In case you didn’t figure out that Jacob was Native American, because he’s totally not a tan white dude playing a Native American because it’s totally the same thing, he goes to school on the reservation, so he’s totally Native, okay.”

“Oh hey, that Asian kid is totally gay!” I said pointing at the screen. It was obvious. I was just calling it like I saw it.

“Bella’s clumsy, Mike’s a nerdy kid with a crush on Bella, oh hey the bitch is talking to her cause she’s completely awesome, and she’s PALE, Rachel! PALE LIKE A VAMPIRE!!!” Ivy said catching me up again, cause she knew I was still being dazzled by the Gaysians fabulousness.

Stuff happens, stuff happens, stuff happens … [Author insert: OMG ALICE CULLEN! SHE’S FUCKING PERFECT!!! MUST CALM DOWN! MUST CALM DOWN! ALICE, I LOVE YOU!]

[On screen the Cullen's strut in one by one, looking like low budget GQ muthafucka's]

“Omg, Ivy,” I muttered lowly clutching at her arm. “The music is picking up, something exciting’s about to happen! I bet it’s a boy! I bet he’s handsome!” I squealed.

Ivy tipped her head back and laughed before pressing her lips against my forehead. Every now and then she found me amusing.

“That’s Edward Cullen,” I parroted along with the boringly bitchy (which is the say, disappointing), bitchy-girl. “He’s totally gorgeous, obviously. I mean, oh my god Ivy, look at his butt! It is so big. *scoff* He looks like, one of those rap guys' girlfriends. But, you know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff* They only talk to him, because, he looks like a total prostitute, 'kay? I mean, his butt, is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean - gross. Look! He's just so ... vamp!”

“God, I love you,” Ivy whispered, turning my face around so that she could kiss me done right.

The movie played for a while, and I played with Ivy.

[Author insert: Seriously you guys, I cannot watch this entire fucking movie again. It’s soul crushing, even fucking high, man. Ye gods, there’s gonna need to be a lot of Alice to get me through the next one.]

“Oh, jesus Christ this chick is a bad actress,” I moaned as I settled my head against Ivy’s breast, my breathing finally returning to normal.

“This music is so angsty and INTENSE! I CAN’T HANDLE IT. I think I need to rip my panties off and cry!” Ivy exclaimed in an overly emotional voice that made me giggle.

“Oooh, killing!” I exclaimed as the pack of evil vampire’s attacked and killed a man in a perplexingly empty power station.

“It’s an action movie. Boys can totally go to see it. There’s something for everyone. This one chick even wears a straw cowboy hat for those people who love things that don't make sense. This movie is wicked, it’s going to make a bajillion dollars at the box office, and when the fourth movie is made that birthing scene in Alien will be like porn to an entire generation of girls.”

“Ew,” I moaned. And then I kind of giggled.

“I like Charlie better than Marshall,” Ivy commented as Charlie shrugged bashfully.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Ivy said.

And then she shrugged.

[Television: Hey Arizona! How you liken da rain, gurl?]

“Fuck my life,” Ivy moaned.

“Are they flirting over onion skins slides?” I asked Ivy a few moments later.

“Yeah.”

“Fuck my life,” I moaned.

I couldn’t believe that for like five seconds there at the beginning I thought that this might not be complete shit. God, I’m a fucking moron. It was clearly, clearly gonna be shit. Why did I hope?

“She blinks a lot.”

“She sucks a lot.”

“Not dick, though. Look at that total lesbian. She looks just like Shane from The L Word.”

“In Panic Room, I thought she was a boy. I didn’t realize she was girl until three years later.”

“Wait, wait, wait a SECOND! Bella’s a girl? I thought it was B-E-L-A. Like Bela Lugosi.  Emmett said he ... dammit, she was Italian!  Dammit,” I sighed.  "I thought he was just one of those really, really pretty boys.  Like in anime."

“OMG! Carlisle is such a handsome man. Look at that GQ muthafucka! He totally doesn’t look better brunette.”

“Word.”

[Author insert: A bunch of stuff happened, I’m not gonna recap it. If you saw the movie you know, and if you didn’t, honestly you're better off not knowing …]

“OMG, he’s acting like a total rapist right now. Well, nobody’s going to believe you. Creeper!” I declared, totally not thinking about how romantic I found it when Ivy lurked around me and got insanely jealous of my boring boyfriends who clearly weren’t going to last.  “I hate myself for kind of thinking he’s sexy when he smirks like the bastard he is,” I muttered watching Edward smirk.

“I kind of hate you for thinking he’s sexy when he smirks like the bastard he is as well,” Ivy groused, icy sharp teeth glittering menacingly in the moonlight.

God, I was turned on.

“Did that Gaysian seriously, just say 'It’s a worm! It’s a worm! Hahahahahaha.' WHO WROTE THIS SCRIPT? They are worms. Not transparent fucking frogs. How have these kids never seen a worm before?”

“I can’t believe this has only been on for 30 minutes. I feel like I’ve been watching it since yesterday,” Ivy whined.

“I think Jacob’s cute like a little puppy. I want to throw a Frisbee and watch him run down the bench and get it. And then I’d give him half of my pepperoni stick, and we’d walk home in the setting sunlight as I chewed on a nice long stalk of grass,” I told Ivy, sighing a little as I imagined the scenario.

“I’m so glad that gang rape can be used as a plot device to show off how super-awesome and dreamy and masculine Edward is. I sure hope gang rape can be used later on in the story to help explain why Rosalie is such a bitch.”

[Bella: I should really eat something.]
[Author insert: Alice is back in Forks Bella. Better hurry. She saw you coming and is going to start without you.]

Edward: I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.
Bella: Then don’t.

I shifted uncomfortably against Ivy.

“This sounds like a conversation we’ve had.”

Ivy looked away, chagrined.

“Only, they got together halfway through the first book, and canonically we’re still playing in the sandbox, even though we’ve had metaphorical kitchen sex with each other, and you’ve ‘penetrated’ me, and we live together and own a cat. And a gargoyle. And you’re not even a creepily old virgin corpse with a thing for High School girls.”

“As if you could out run me,” Ivy muttered under her breath as Edward yipped around the forest like a little monkey … or Ang from Avator: The Last Airbender. “As if you could fight me off. I’m designed to kill. I’ve killed people before. I wanted to kill you. I’ve never wanted a humans blood so much in my life … all of this is pretty good stuff,” Ivy said conversationally. “You couldn’t outrun us, or fight me off. I am designed to kill. I have killed and am filled with angst because of it. I almost killed you. I’ve never wanted a witches, humans, banshee, were-fox/cat/wolfs and other appropriately sized species blood so much in my life. I think it’s a pretty speech. Yeah, if I’d said it the lesbians would have liked it … the California Supreme Court, not so much.”

“Yeah, actually I have no sense of self-preservation. Just like Bella. She’s totes an adrenaline junkie just like me, only no one ever called her on her shit, causing her to … well, not to really change her behavior at all, just note that she was behaving in a certain way as if that was actually character development when really it’s just a way to cock-block us from getting together like Janine is pretending we are in this story because she doesn’t understand the genius of Kim’s amazing plan to get us together in the end … or not, she can’t really say but she’s has a happy ending in store for both of us, unless you die, Ivy. She can’t predict these things. The characters have to live honestly through themselves. They surprise her all the time. She didn’t even know you were bisexual, Ivy.  Or apparently, that I am as well because I keep denying it for no apparent reason other than to keep the series going as a fall back cash cow.”

“Janine’s subtle,” Ivy commented. “I can just never really tell where exactly she stands on an issue.”

“Oh, a drug/blood metaphor in a vampire film. What an original fucking idea. I hope they dramatically pause on his crack-head face so that I can understand how strung out Edward is on the drug … that is Bella … his own personal brand of heroin (which is a drug, like Bella's blood!  1 + 1 = 2, write it down!  Try to keep up, son!).”

[Author insert: God this is painful …]

“The piano music they’re playing makes this extremely long shot of them lying in the field fucking staring at each other doing nothing SO poignant and beautiful.”

“OMG! OMG! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH HIS FACE?!?!?! OMG!”

“He’s … sparkling,” Ivy toned disbelievingly. “The sun shone down on him and he’s … sparkling. Like Jenks farts.”

I giggled. It was funny because Jenks farts do sparkle. He’s a pixie, you know.

“Bella’s totally gon’ masturbate now. Look at how heavily she’s breathing.”

“The author’s Mormon.”

“Ah, shit. There’s gonna be like no boobs, at all. There’s not even gonna fang action is there?”

“They don’t have fangs,” Ivy noted.

“I’m done with this shit,” I declared getting up. That was some bulllllshit.

Recap of what happened when Rachel was in a snit:

- They’re dating now. Goody!
- Bella meets the family.
-  Alice is awesome and totally gay for Bella.
-  Jasper is constipated.
-  Esme is flawless.
-  Carlisle is a handsome bastard.
-  Rosalie is a bitch.
-  Emmett is big.
-  Kristen Stewart continues to do this thing with her eyebrows that doesn’t remotely resemble acting. Emma Watson takes notes.
- They’re playing  vampire-baseball.   Which is just baseball with non-athletic actors doing a lot of wire-work.
-  Ah, shit! Ah shit! It’s the bad vampires! Victoria is wearing fur!


"Dude, they are crouching like it is their job!” I exclaimed as watched those sexy bastards crouching menacingly for all that they were worth. [Montgomery Scott]How exxxxxciting[/Montgomery Scott]

“That Bella, she’s such a tasty little treat. Like a bacon cupcake,” Ivy observed.

I thought I should have been grossed out by the idea of a bacon cupcake. But I wasn’t. Huh.

[Author insert: I can’t believe how bored I am watching this. I want to drink so badly. And no, I haven’t been. Amazing I know. You’d think I was totally fucked up now based on everything above. But my brain actually works like this completely fucking sober. I’m kind of scared for myself actually. j/k … I’m baked.]

“Oh look, we’ve come full circle,” Ivy sing-songed as Bela … excuse me, Bella repeated her speech from the beginning of the movie.

“I hope she dies,” I muttered.

“She’s too dumb to die. Plus, there’s going to be three more movies.”

“Fuck my life.”

“Jesus Christ, she’s a bad actress. I don’t want to live in a world where I have to associate her with Joan Jett,” Ivy complained. Ivy liked Joan Jett. Joan Jett has black hair like her.  Joan Jett also looks way good for 50.

“Why would you associate that pretty boy with Joan Jett?” I asked.

“She’s playing her in a new movie.”

“No way!” I exclaimed.

“Way.” Ivy responded.

“I wonder who’s playing Cheri?” I mused.

“Dakota Fanning,” Ivy replied.

“Excuse me while I go scream into a pillow.”


[Author insert: Ah ha ha. Omg, this picture creeps me out so much, and yet I can’t stop laughing]

When I came back into the room, Edward and James were fighting over who gets to kill Bella - James with his venomous bite, or Edward with his vampire demon sperm in the fourth book.

“Is it wrong that I came a little in my pants when Alice sniffed Bella’s blood and then climbed that guy like a monkey and ripped his head off,” I inquired of Ivy.

“No. I totally came in pants too.”

I reached over and took Ivy’s hand in my own and squeezed it. We were so good together.

[Author insert:  Wow, I totally forgot about this horrible montage to Robert Pattinson warbling in the background. I was a happier person when I didn’t know it existed. *sigh*  Also, Renee has the same haircut as Lena Headey. She’s hot like Lena Headey too. But not nearly AS hot as Lena Headey.

And … you know what, it’s no good. I just, honestly I can’t take this anymore … Kirsten Stewart continues to fucking traumatize me with her bad acting, Charlie threatens Edward with a shot gun, Jacob acts like a lil’ bitch, Edward and Bella dance at the Prom, and the movie ends with a sweet ass fucking shot of Victoria looking pissed off and unhinged, promising a whole bunch of coolness that the next movie will not deliver on.   The End]

The credits started to roll and Ivy picked up the remote and turned off the television set.

“Wow,” she murmured slowly.

“Yeah,” I whispered, swallowing like I tasted something bad in my mouth.

“I’m so sad right now.”

“Me too,” I told her, squeezing her hand.

“Rachel, that bet wasn’t worth it,” Ivy informed me gently.

“I know,” I moaned. “I know.”

“Wow,” she sighed again.

“Yeah.”

“You better have so much sex with me, right now. If I didn’t work for myself, I’d want to have to call in sick tomorrow,” Ivy said looking down at me.

“I’m gonna fuck you so hard you won’t remember the number to 911,” I promised her, tapping the tip of her nose.

“Acceptable,” Ivy responded sounding remarkably like Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager for some inexplicable reason.

[Author insert: it’s actually not inexplicable, Seven of Nine is just really sexy, and so is Ivy, and so interchanging their personality traits just maximizes the sexiness].

"Come on, let's go to bed," I said picking up Ivy's hand and kissing her knuckles.

And it was good (cause 'come on, let's go to bed' is a euphemism for 'let's have hot, bed breaking sex' and that's always good.  You know, until the replacement bed bill comes in.  Then it's all "It was your idea, you pay for it".  Ungrateful ... *grumble grumble grumble*).

The End

P.S. I cannot believe there is over fucking twelve pages of this shit. God, even summarizing SMeyer’s overly long novels in which nothing happens takes way too fucking long.

It started out sounding like a real story though, didn’t it? I’m sorry for misleading you. Those first few paragraphs were like those artistic shots of the deer at the beginning luring you in. I’m sorry, it was a terrible thing to do. I hope you can forgive.

And now …I’m going to bed.

Oh, and in case you were wondering ... I totally did that Maggie Q. photoshop all by myself.  Jelus?  Yeah, I thought so.

Comments

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Is it wrong that I want her to just come out already so the delusional KStew/RPatz shippers are crushed?

If that's wrong, then I don't want to be right. Robsten bothers me so much. Actually the coverage of both Rob and KStew bothers me so much. It's making me burnt out on Rob, and usually I love him. And I just never need this much KStew in my life, ever. She's just so mind-numbingly boring. I feel like I would fall asleep in the middle of a conversation with her. It's painful to watch her ... exist. It's why the Robsten coverage bugs so much, because I can't fathom anyone being attracted to her, or if they were, her being able to drum up any emotion in response to their interest.

Actually, the posts about Kristen and Dakota doing it on ontd amuse me. I don't believe it, but at least that pairing is funny. Robsten is just boring as fuck.

Never go to a sperm banks in Forks, WA because YOU NEVER KNOW lol


No, you'd be safe. Edward would never self-serve. And he totes wouldn't self-serve into a cup. He's a gentleman.

and the crack

Crack? No crack. You can't prove a thing! Where are the receipts? WHERE ARE THE RECEIPTS??? Crack is whack, man. Crack is whack. Whitney Huston told me so.