Fic: Just This Once (Sarah/Cameron, Sarah Connor Chronicles)

[fembuck]

Title: Just This Once
Author: Janine
Fandom: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Pairing: Sarah/Cameron
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don’t own them.
Summary: Sequel of sorts to A Helping Hand.  Cameron doesn't always understand Sarah but she tries to and forces Sarah to understand a little more about herself.
 

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Cameron stopped at the threshold of the living room and leaned against the door frame staring at the brooding figure camped out in front of the window. She knew that Sarah was aware of her presence – Sarah’s back had straightened slightly and her head had tilted minutely her direction – but the woman did not acknowledge her presence.

“It always looks the same,” Cameron said softly breaking the silence that had reigned since she entered the room, a touch of confusion in her voice as she made the observation.

Sarah had told her earlier that day that she wasn’t for Cameron to understand, but Cameron still wanted to.

Sarah smiled a little.

“I know,” Sarah murmured softly. “That’s why I like it,” she continued knowing that Cameron was probably completely bewildered by the strange human emotion that compelled her to gaze out of the window every night for seemingly no reason. Just as Cameron was confused by the majority of things she did.

She often moved from window to window throughout the day, looking out, watching; constantly checking for danger. But at night, when the house was silent and John was asleep, when she gazed out into the darkness, her breathing slow and steady as her shoulders slumped it was different than during the day and Sarah was sure Cameron could sense that even if she didn’t know why.

“I don’t understand,” Cameron said moving towards the window until she came to a stop next to Sarah her posture an exact replica of Sarah’s as if she hoped that copying the other woman; by looking at what Sarah was looking at she would gain a sudden burst of insight into Sarah’s actions.

“I know,” Sarah responded sighing softly.

For a moment she thought about making a snide remark about how Cameron would never understand, but she couldn’t force the words past her lips. She had never been able to escape herself in the calm, still of the night. It was when worry and doubt and fear and truth presented itself to her, and the truth that came to her that night was that she didn’t truly believe that Cameron didn’t feel.

There were times when she could see emotion struggling to reveal itself in the girl’s dark eyes. She could often sense feelings trapped within Cameron that she knew the girl didn’t have the tools or knowledge to express. She noticed the girl’s attempts at humor and when unbidden and at strange moments a smile would come to her face the authenticity of which Sarah could not deny.

But most of all she saw the longing in Cameron’s eyes, the desire to understand why Sarah or John did the things they did. She didn’t passively accept their behavior, she questioned it, she strived to understand it, and the more Sarah explained the more Cameron grew.

“The night, the trees, the swing, the streetlights … they’re always there, still and constant,” Sarah began to explain. She always explained even when she didn’t want to. “There’s something about that, about the reliability of it that’s comforting,” she continued a few seconds later, the words coming out as a soft sigh, “even if it is only an illusion.”

Cameron was silent in the face of her words and Sarah turned her eyes back towards the window more than happy to let the silence stand.

She talked too much around Cameron, she knew that. She had learned to be her own therapist, her own friend, and her own counsel over the years. She had decided a long time ago that she was the only person she could trust her secrets to, but it was a lonely reality. As strong as she was, as she tried to be, she was still human and she was lonely. And Cameron … Cameron was there, and looked at her like she was some benign goddess who could make the world clear for her. Cameron looked at her like she needed her, like she had answers, and when she spoke, Cameron listened.

“Do you need comforting?” Cameron asked softly long moments later, her eyes curious and uncomfortably inquisitive as she turned to look at Sarah.

Sarah was quiet for a moment the question and Cameron’s gaze unnerving her. The truth was most of the time she would have been happy to collapse into a pair of strong arms … and that when Cameron looked at her like that she was very tempted to do just that.

“There are very few things that people actually need,” Sarah responded keeping her eyes trained on the nightscape outside of the window, unwilling to face Cameron at the moment.

As much as the girl claimed not to understand her, there were times when Sarah was absolutely certain that she was an open book to her.

“You’re evading,” Cameron said simply and Sarah could feel her unwavering gaze on the side of her face.

“Maybe,” Sarah replied her words as good as an admission.

“I understand,” Cameron said in response her eyes finally moving from Sarah’s face, her gaze turning towards the window though her eyes were unfocused her mind whirling with thoughts instead of taking in the view.

“Do you?” Sarah asked a touch of surprise in her voice as she unconsciously turned towards Cameron.

Cameron blinked and then turned to look at Sarah, her lips quirking up ever so slightly.

“I understand things,” Cameron said seriously a moment later, her eyes holding Sarah’s. “People just need to explain,” she continued softly. “You don’t want to, but you do. It does help me to understand … like now.”

“So,” Sarah began her eyes steady on Cameron’s, “what exactly is it that you understand?”

“You’re scared. You’re tired. You’re alone,” Cameron replied. “It is wearisome. In the day when people can see you have to be strong, but the night masks your weakness.”

Sarah took a shuddering breath when Cameron stopped speaking, a weak smile completely lacking in any amusement touching her lips momentarily before the effort became too much and it evaporated from her lips.

Sarah’s eyes fluttered closed.

So she did understand.

Sarah inhaled deeply, her eyes blinking rapidly as her back was suffused with warmth, deceptively thin arms wrapping around her waist as soft wisps of hair teased her cheek and the scent of vanilla washed over her.

Cameron was hugging her.

“You’re squeezing me,” Sarah murmured her heart pounding in her chest, her eyes continuing their unnaturally rapid succession of blinks as Cameron filled her senses.

“No, I’m comforting you,” Cameron said softly, her chin resting on Sarah’s shoulder, her arms tightening around Sarah’s waist as it did. “You are not alone. You do not need to be scared. I will help you,” Cameron continued her voice soft and lilting as she rested her head against Sarah’s. “I will protect you.”

Sarah’s eyes squeezed shut, a powerful burning growing behind her closed eyelids as she tried very hard not to let the tears that were forming there escape. It felt so good to be held, to have the weight of the world lifted from her shoulders, even if it was only for a few seconds. Her body tingled and trembled, she wanted to turn around and bury her face in Cameron’s neck, shielding herself from the world knowing that it would be okay, that she would be safe, that John would be safe, that the arms holding her were strong enough to save her son and humanity.

Sarah shuddered.

Cameron was so warm, so strong … so solid. She wanted … she wanted, just for a moment, just for a second … she wanted to crumble.

“Let go of me,” Sarah ground out remaining still in Cameron’s arms for a moment before she began to struggle.

Cameron easily rode out Sarah’s motions keeping her hold on the woman. “You are not comforted.”

“And I won’t be,” Sarah declared forcefully still struggling in vain. “Let go of me!”

Cameron loosened her grip and Sarah immediately barged through her arms and stalked into the middle of the living room.

“Go,” Sarah said her back to Cameron.

“I don’t understand,” Cameron said from the same spot she was standing in when Sarah stalked away from her.

“I cannot express to you how much I don’t care,” Sarah responded tiny shivers that she couldn’t control rippling through her body. “Just go.”

“You’re shaking,” Cameron said concern and confusion in her voice, this newly observed condition spurring her into movement. “Are you damaged? I can help,” she continued moving to stand in front of Sarah, her eyes scanning the woman’s body as she tried to determine the cause of the shaking.

“I’m fine,” Sarah said impatiently. “Just go. I hear there’s some good pacing to be had by the garage door, why don’t you not sleep over there?”

“You are …” Cameron began.

“Not your concern,” Sarah interjected getting the girl off. “I don’t need to be comforted, I don’t need you help, and I certainly don’t need your protection. I’m not your mission.”

“Aren’t you?” Cameron asked calmly one delicate eyebrow arching as Sarah focused on her.

Sarah opened her mouth but no words came out as she gaped at Cameron.

“It’s okay to need me,” Cameron began a few seconds later, her voice tender and her eyes keen and knowing.

No woman was an island unto herself.

“I don’t want to need you,” Sarah responded but her voice was soft, weak, lacking the distressed passion that had been driving her since Cameron had hugged her.

“Maybe you don’t get to choose,” Cameron responded her voice firm and forceful as she met Sarah’s miserable gaze. And then she was in motion, her arms wrapping around Sarah once more in a determined hug that Sarah didn’t have the internal resources to reject this time.

Sarah breathed in deeply as Cameron pulled her against her body. She was lonely, and scared and tired. And Cameron was warm, and strong, and sturdy and there and Sarah wilted into her secure embrace.

Maybe, just this once, she didn’t get to choose. And maybe, just this moment, that was okay.

The End

Comments

[calliopes-muse.livejournal.com]

*Bowing down in reverence*

The voices of both characters were wonderfully written. Cameron is the hardest for me to write and you got her down perfectly. The struggle/angst of Sarah is dead on too.

Beautiful, beautiful story!

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for the kind words, I'm glad that you enjoyed the story.

Cameron is the hardest for me to write and you got her down perfectly. The struggle/angst of Sarah is dead on too.

They're both so complex, I don't think that's I've gone through so many drafts for fics for any other fandom I've written in. I just need to play around with them so much before something clicks, but I'm happy to know that it is clicking ;)