![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fembuckTitle: Just This Once
Author: Janine
Fandom: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Pairing: Sarah/Cameron
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don’t own them.
Summary: Sequel of sorts to A Helping Hand. Cameron doesn't always understand Sarah but she tries to and forces Sarah to understand a little more about herself.
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Cameron stopped at the threshold of the living room and leaned against the door frame staring at the brooding figure camped out in front of the window. She knew that Sarah was aware of her presence – Sarah’s back had straightened slightly and her head had tilted minutely her direction – but the woman did not acknowledge her presence.
“It always looks the same,” Cameron said softly breaking the silence that had reigned since she entered the room, a touch of confusion in her voice as she made the observation.
Sarah had told her earlier that day that she wasn’t for Cameron to understand, but Cameron still wanted to.
Sarah smiled a little.
“I know,” Sarah murmured softly. “That’s why I like it,” she continued knowing that Cameron was probably completely bewildered by the strange human emotion that compelled her to gaze out of the window every night for seemingly no reason. Just as Cameron was confused by the majority of things she did.
She often moved from window to window throughout the day, looking out, watching; constantly checking for danger. But at night, when the house was silent and John was asleep, when she gazed out into the darkness, her breathing slow and steady as her shoulders slumped it was different than during the day and Sarah was sure Cameron could sense that even if she didn’t know why.
“I don’t understand,” Cameron said moving towards the window until she came to a stop next to Sarah her posture an exact replica of Sarah’s as if she hoped that copying the other woman; by looking at what Sarah was looking at she would gain a sudden burst of insight into Sarah’s actions.
“I know,” Sarah responded sighing softly.
For a moment she thought about making a snide remark about how Cameron would never understand, but she couldn’t force the words past her lips. She had never been able to escape herself in the calm, still of the night. It was when worry and doubt and fear and truth presented itself to her, and the truth that came to her that night was that she didn’t truly believe that Cameron didn’t feel.
There were times when she could see emotion struggling to reveal itself in the girl’s dark eyes. She could often sense feelings trapped within Cameron that she knew the girl didn’t have the tools or knowledge to express. She noticed the girl’s attempts at humor and when unbidden and at strange moments a smile would come to her face the authenticity of which Sarah could not deny.
But most of all she saw the longing in Cameron’s eyes, the desire to understand why Sarah or John did the things they did. She didn’t passively accept their behavior, she questioned it, she strived to understand it, and the more Sarah explained the more Cameron grew.
“The night, the trees, the swing, the streetlights … they’re always there, still and constant,” Sarah began to explain. She always explained even when she didn’t want to. “There’s something about that, about the reliability of it that’s comforting,” she continued a few seconds later, the words coming out as a soft sigh, “even if it is only an illusion.”
Cameron was silent in the face of her words and Sarah turned her eyes back towards the window more than happy to let the silence stand.
She talked too much around Cameron, she knew that. She had learned to be her own therapist, her own friend, and her own counsel over the years. She had decided a long time ago that she was the only person she could trust her secrets to, but it was a lonely reality. As strong as she was, as she tried to be, she was still human and she was lonely. And Cameron … Cameron was there, and looked at her like she was some benign goddess who could make the world clear for her. Cameron looked at her like she needed her, like she had answers, and when she spoke, Cameron listened.
“Do you need comforting?” Cameron asked softly long moments later, her eyes curious and uncomfortably inquisitive as she turned to look at Sarah.
Sarah was quiet for a moment the question and Cameron’s gaze unnerving her. The truth was most of the time she would have been happy to collapse into a pair of strong arms … and that when Cameron looked at her like that she was very tempted to do just that.
“There are very few things that people actually need,” Sarah responded keeping her eyes trained on the nightscape outside of the window, unwilling to face Cameron at the moment.
As much as the girl claimed not to understand her, there were times when Sarah was absolutely certain that she was an open book to her.
“You’re evading,” Cameron said simply and Sarah could feel her unwavering gaze on the side of her face.
“Maybe,” Sarah replied her words as good as an admission.
“I understand,” Cameron said in response her eyes finally moving from Sarah’s face, her gaze turning towards the window though her eyes were unfocused her mind whirling with thoughts instead of taking in the view.
“Do you?” Sarah asked a touch of surprise in her voice as she unconsciously turned towards Cameron.
Cameron blinked and then turned to look at Sarah, her lips quirking up ever so slightly.
“I understand things,” Cameron said seriously a moment later, her eyes holding Sarah’s. “People just need to explain,” she continued softly. “You don’t want to, but you do. It does help me to understand … like now.”
“So,” Sarah began her eyes steady on Cameron’s, “what exactly is it that you understand?”
“You’re scared. You’re tired. You’re alone,” Cameron replied. “It is wearisome. In the day when people can see you have to be strong, but the night masks your weakness.”
Sarah took a shuddering breath when Cameron stopped speaking, a weak smile completely lacking in any amusement touching her lips momentarily before the effort became too much and it evaporated from her lips.
Sarah’s eyes fluttered closed.
So she did understand.
Sarah inhaled deeply, her eyes blinking rapidly as her back was suffused with warmth, deceptively thin arms wrapping around her waist as soft wisps of hair teased her cheek and the scent of vanilla washed over her.
Cameron was hugging her.
“You’re squeezing me,” Sarah murmured her heart pounding in her chest, her eyes continuing their unnaturally rapid succession of blinks as Cameron filled her senses.
“No, I’m comforting you,” Cameron said softly, her chin resting on Sarah’s shoulder, her arms tightening around Sarah’s waist as it did. “You are not alone. You do not need to be scared. I will help you,” Cameron continued her voice soft and lilting as she rested her head against Sarah’s. “I will protect you.”
Sarah’s eyes squeezed shut, a powerful burning growing behind her closed eyelids as she tried very hard not to let the tears that were forming there escape. It felt so good to be held, to have the weight of the world lifted from her shoulders, even if it was only for a few seconds. Her body tingled and trembled, she wanted to turn around and bury her face in Cameron’s neck, shielding herself from the world knowing that it would be okay, that she would be safe, that John would be safe, that the arms holding her were strong enough to save her son and humanity.
Sarah shuddered.
Cameron was so warm, so strong … so solid. She wanted … she wanted, just for a moment, just for a second … she wanted to crumble.
“Let go of me,” Sarah ground out remaining still in Cameron’s arms for a moment before she began to struggle.
Cameron easily rode out Sarah’s motions keeping her hold on the woman. “You are not comforted.”
“And I won’t be,” Sarah declared forcefully still struggling in vain. “Let go of me!”
Cameron loosened her grip and Sarah immediately barged through her arms and stalked into the middle of the living room.
“Go,” Sarah said her back to Cameron.
“I don’t understand,” Cameron said from the same spot she was standing in when Sarah stalked away from her.
“I cannot express to you how much I don’t care,” Sarah responded tiny shivers that she couldn’t control rippling through her body. “Just go.”
“You’re shaking,” Cameron said concern and confusion in her voice, this newly observed condition spurring her into movement. “Are you damaged? I can help,” she continued moving to stand in front of Sarah, her eyes scanning the woman’s body as she tried to determine the cause of the shaking.
“I’m fine,” Sarah said impatiently. “Just go. I hear there’s some good pacing to be had by the garage door, why don’t you not sleep over there?”
“You are …” Cameron began.
“Not your concern,” Sarah interjected getting the girl off. “I don’t need to be comforted, I don’t need you help, and I certainly don’t need your protection. I’m not your mission.”
“Aren’t you?” Cameron asked calmly one delicate eyebrow arching as Sarah focused on her.
Sarah opened her mouth but no words came out as she gaped at Cameron.
“It’s okay to need me,” Cameron began a few seconds later, her voice tender and her eyes keen and knowing.
No woman was an island unto herself.
“I don’t want to need you,” Sarah responded but her voice was soft, weak, lacking the distressed passion that had been driving her since Cameron had hugged her.
“Maybe you don’t get to choose,” Cameron responded her voice firm and forceful as she met Sarah’s miserable gaze. And then she was in motion, her arms wrapping around Sarah once more in a determined hug that Sarah didn’t have the internal resources to reject this time.
Sarah breathed in deeply as Cameron pulled her against her body. She was lonely, and scared and tired. And Cameron was warm, and strong, and sturdy and there and Sarah wilted into her secure embrace.
Maybe, just this once, she didn’t get to choose. And maybe, just this moment, that was okay.
The End
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no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 01:03 am (UTC)on an unrelated feedback note, i don't think i ever told you how much i love your hermoine/pansy fics. they're my favorite HP f/f pairing, but so rare. i sneak off and re-read your version of them all the time, but hide my fangirling in cyber anonymity. your blackcest also rocks my world. is it okay to say how much i heart that in public? i mean, really. i could read those all day long.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 10:08 pm (UTC)Thank you. I just finished reading Postulations and Practices, and I loved it. I think you've got a fantastic grip of the characters as well.
i don't think i ever told you how much i love your hermoine/pansy fics. they're my favorite HP f/f pairing, but so rare. i sneak off and re-read your version of them all the time, but hide my fangirling in cyber anonymity.
Aw, thanks so much. I totally need to write another H/P story, I had a lot of fun writing them. *fondly remembers my summer HP obsession* If only there was going to be another book, the anticipation of DH really whipped me into a wonderful frenzy, lol.
your blackcest also rocks my world. is it okay to say how much i heart that in public? i mean, really. i could read those all day long.
Blackcest is best! If loving Blackcest is wrong, I don't want to be right, lol. Seriously, I know its twisted but it's so much fun. Embrace the blackcest love, own it, you'll feel so much better ;)
(no subject)
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2009-04-15 11:50 pm (UTC) - Expandno subject
Date: 2008-02-07 01:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 10:09 pm (UTC)I love the "You are not comforted." Like Cameron expects Sarah to stay put until she is, whether or not she wants to be. Ah, to be a machine and actually do something without complaint just because you have to and it's good for you...
You totally know that's exactly what Cameron's thinking. Silly humans are so illogical, lol. Sarah's illogic makes her tingly inside though. I can't wait until I get to the segment where Sarah gets to explain that to her, lol
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 01:14 am (UTC)i love the struggle over the word understanding in this fic. i think it's a great general theme for cameron, because understanding and intuiting can be very different things. it would be hard for cameron to actually achieve both.
i also like the idea of sarah being cameron's mission. i'm not sure i buy into completely, but it's a great thing for cameron to say. it could help to make sarah stronger in some ways.
great as always.
as as a post script to harpers, i love hermione/pansy, too!
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Date: 2008-02-07 10:15 pm (UTC)i love the struggle over the word understanding in this fic.
I love that this is really a learning experience for them both. As you said, Cameron is good at intuiting things to a certain extent but there's still a lot that she doesn't know, that she needs to discover on her own and experience to really understand. And Sarah has been so emotionally closed off for so long, that I really think she has a lot to learn and understand about herself. I love that they can grow and learn together.
i also like the idea of sarah being cameron's mission. i'm not sure i buy into completely, but it's a great thing for cameron to say. it could help to make sarah stronger in some ways.
I guess the idea was more that Sarah's well being is part of her over-all mission. Sarah maintains that Cameron doesn't need to be concerned with her, yet Sarah's mental state and well being is directly linked to John's and thereby to the future of humanity, so by helping and protecting Sarah, she is helping and protecting John which is her stated mission.
Sarah's just so focused on John and what he means to the future all the time that I don't think it would occur to her without prompting to think that she is just as important to Cameron's mission as he is.
Praise and food for thought
From:Re: Praise and food for thought
From:no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 01:52 am (UTC)A truly pleasurable experience as a reader. Keep up the great work!
*slipping back into my dark little corner of lurkdom* :)
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 10:18 pm (UTC)*slipping back into my dark little corner of lurkdom* :)
Aw, come on ... stay in the light. We have cookies! *kicks the darkside under the table and whispers 'sssh'*
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 02:07 am (UTC)Seriously. Who would have thought a fic starring the queen badass herself, Sarah Connor, and a Terminator could be so...so romantic?
Your characterisation is pitch perfect. Sarah's brooding angst plus Cameron's inquisitiveness and genuine desire to understand and to help were wonderfully in keeping with Headey's and Glau's performances.
Genius. I've been following your work for years by the way. I think one of the
first of your fics I read and loved was Camelot. My apologies for royally
sucking by not giving feedback until now.
So, to summarise years worth of feedback into one sentence: Janine = the undisputed goddess of fanfic. Thank you!
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 10:44 pm (UTC)They are oddly very endearing together. I love Lena and Summer for setting up that dynamic of unimaginable cuteness between them.
I think one of thefirst of your fics I read and loved was Camelot.
Aw, Roswell. A show Emilie De Ravin was on where she got to say more than one line per episode *sigh. The good old days. I don't even want to think about how long ago that was, lol.
Janine = the undisputed goddess of fanfic. Thank you!
Aw, thank you! I'm not sure my head is going to fit through the doorway for the rest of the night ... but who cares *does happy dance* Seriously though, thank you for the kind words :D
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Date: 2008-02-07 02:40 am (UTC)“You’re squeezing me,” Sarah murmured her heart pounding in her chest, her eyes continuing their unnaturally rapid succession of blinks as Cameron filled her senses.
“No, I’m comforting you”
Loved that part. :)
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 10:48 pm (UTC)And I love how Sarah can't stand the thought of being vulnerable, but eventually gives in to Cameron's comfort.
Sarah responds to Cameron in a really fascinating way. Like you can see her sometimes forgetting what Cameron is and then having to force herself to remember that she's not supposed to like her. But Sarah, you can't keep fighting these feelings forever! I says so, so it must be true ;)
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 02:53 am (UTC)And I started watching this show now thanks to you. First Blade and now this. You should get paid for that.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 10:50 pm (UTC)And I started watching this show now thanks to you. First Blade and now this. You should get paid for that.
If only I could get paid for watching and then pimping good shows with hot chicks and les!yay. That would be the sweetest job ever. *le sigh*
Seriously, the shows good though isn't it?
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 03:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 10:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 03:19 am (UTC)“No, I’m comforting you,” Cameron said softly, her chin resting on Sarah’s shoulder, her arms tightening around Sarah’s waist as it did. “You are not alone. You do not need to be scared. I will help you,” Cameron continued her voice soft and lilting as she rested her head against Sarah’s. “I will protect you.”
This just about had me crying it was so sweet..
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 10:52 pm (UTC)This just about had me crying it was so sweet..
Cameron is kind of the best girlfriend ever. Seriously, Sarah if you don't want her I'll take her (and would probably have to fight off dozens of others for her), lol.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 03:36 am (UTC)“No, I’m comforting you,” Cameron said softly, her chin resting on Sarah’s shoulder, her arms tightening around Sarah’s waist as it did. “You are not alone. You do not need to be scared. I will help you,” Cameron continued her voice soft and lilting as she rested her head against Sarah’s. “I will protect you.”
This is brilliant. Your grasp of Cameron, in particular, is fantastic. More please. ;)
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 10:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 03:47 am (UTC)This is a great example of Sarah's conflict: the warrior vs. the woman.
And really, we don't know what Cameron's mission is. I mean, yes, John sends back machines to aide himself and his mother at this critical time in the world's history, but who is Cameron, really?
Yay for this!
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Date: 2008-02-07 10:59 pm (UTC)Seriously. I haven't had canon helping me out this much on a show since Blade: The Series. It makes writing it really satisfying in a way because it's within the realm of possibility even though you know the show would never actually go there.
Sarah's conflict: the warrior vs. the woman.
I'm loving that about this depiction of Sarah Connor. It's fascinating and moving. Her voice-overs are love. And even though Sarah doesn't have the STRONG STRONG ARMS of Hamilton, I love that the chose a great actress in Headey because she brings out Sarah's struggle so wonderfully.
And really, we don't know what Cameron's mission is. I mean, yes, John sends back machines to aide himself and his mother at this critical time in the world's history, but who is Cameron, really?
Sarah's just so focused on John and what he means to the future all the time that I don't think it would occur to her without prompting to think that she is just as important to Cameron's mission as he is.
I mean Sarah's well being has to be part of Cameron's over-all mission because Sarah's mental state and well being is directly linked to John's and thereby to the future of humanity. By helping and protecting Sarah, she is helping and protecting John which is her stated mission.
It would just never occur to Sarah that Cameron is there for her as much as she is there for John. Sarah, oh Sarah. You stubborn, splendid, adorable fool!
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 04:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 10:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 04:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 11:01 pm (UTC)Isn't it though? I love their dynamic, and I love the show for creating it and for not backing away from it. They're great together.
Thanks so much for the feedback, I'm glad that you enjoyed it :D
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 06:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 11:02 pm (UTC)And don't worry, more will come. I'm just waiting for the next episode for inspiration, lol
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 07:39 am (UTC)You know I can honestly say that I anticipate reading your Sarah/Cameron fic, as much as I do watching the actual show. Please, don't stop.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 11:09 pm (UTC)So true, they are a joy to watch, individually and together but especially together!
but I definitely find Sarah's emotional struggles to be one of the more interesting aspects of the show, so I love how you're able to incorporate that so fantastically well into your stories.
Aw, thank you. I love Sarah's struggles and the voice-overs are one of my favorite parts of the show because Sarah is just so wonderfully complex and messed up and fascinating. So I'm glad I'm able to tap into any of that.
Thanks so much for the kind words :D
P.S. Mmm, Marion. I'm getting so obsessed with her.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 01:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 11:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 04:24 pm (UTC)The voices of both characters were wonderfully written. Cameron is the hardest for me to write and you got her down perfectly. The struggle/angst of Sarah is dead on too.
Beautiful, beautiful story!
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Date: 2008-02-07 11:14 pm (UTC)Cameron is the hardest for me to write and you got her down perfectly. The struggle/angst of Sarah is dead on too.
They're both so complex, I don't think that's I've gone through so many drafts for fics for any other fandom I've written in. I just need to play around with them so much before something clicks, but I'm happy to know that it is clicking ;)
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Date: 2008-02-07 08:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 11:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 08:58 pm (UTC)I have no words to express how happy I am you're writing these two.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-07 11:17 pm (UTC)So true. I love those little flashes of personality and insight we get into her, and how other things she's completely clueless about (like not knowing how to operate the VCR). I love that Summer is able to show Cameron's feelings while still showing her struggle to understand them. So good.
I'm just loving this show and these two characters so much *hugs Camerah*
Thanks so much for the feeback :D
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Date: 2008-02-08 04:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-08 05:14 am (UTC)“Aren’t you?” Cameron asked calmly one delicate eyebrow arching as Sarah focused on her.
AWESOME! and you write Cameron so well, which can be hard on account of the robotness and trying to bounce that out with whatever else she's got going on (and it feels in canon to think there's definitely something else going on.) sigh. i'll never write as well as you. i had watched just the pilot before i started reading your stuff now i'm totally catching up. demand money!
Amazing!!
Date: 2008-02-08 12:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-08 01:21 pm (UTC)Wow
Date: 2008-02-23 02:15 pm (UTC)This morning I clicked on the link to the first part just out of sheer boredom...and holy crap am I glad that I did!
I keep forgetting that the fandom is what originally drives you to the fanfic, but it's the author's that keep you coming back.
I find I am completely fascinated by these characters and this wonderful incredibly written story.
I should know better by now...anytime you write something it doesn't matter the fandom, the story itself will more than make up for whether or not I like the show.
Wonderful job.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-03 10:04 pm (UTC)