fembuck | Fic: The Edge (Twilight, Alice/Bella 30/?)

Title: The Edge
Author: Janine
Fandom: Twilight
Pairing: Alice/Bella, mentions of Alice/Jasper
Rating: R
Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Stephanie Meyer. I’m just borrowing them.
Summary: Alice and Jasper's short vacation doesn't go exactly how she planned.

Previous chapters here

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Three Days Later

Alice wrapped her arms around her body as her dark eyes scanned the sights outside of the window. The day was overcast. It was perfect for being out on the streets, strolling around the city, shopping, people-watching, and talking. But despite the perfection of the day, she knew that they would not go outdoors, not for a while anyway. They would not stroll around the city, or shop or people watch, but they would talk.

Jasper was in the shower, but he would soon be out, and when he was dressed he would walk over to her and put his hand on her shoulder and ask her to sit. They would talk then, and Alice was dreading it because she already knew what he was going to say. And, despite knowing, she would have to be still and let him get through it nonetheless, because even though she had lived the conversation already, he hadn’t, and he deserved to be able to speak the words and have her listen to him.

She had felt that something was amiss for a while, had known that something was bothering him, but she had had no visions as to where those feelings would lead them because Jasper had not decided to do anything about the feelings.

At least he hadn’t decided on anything until half an hour before, as he stepped under the spray of the shower.

An hour before that they had been making love, the gentle weight of his body had been on top of her, and he had been inside of her, and her hands gripped him as his hips moved in way that had become almost second nature to her. But, despite the familiarity of his body, and his scent, the brush of his hair against her fingers, and the feel of his lips against her skin, something had been different, something had been wrong.

They had been as close as it was possible for two people to be. They had been embracing each other the same way they had millions of times in the past. Yet she had never felt farther away from him.

Her fingers had squeezed his arms as they so often did, and her hips had arched, and his head had fallen against her shoulder as his hips strained forward, and they crashed into orgasm one after the other. But, when it was over, a terrible feeling of loss had washed over Alice instead of the feelings of contentment and warmth that she was used to after having been with Jasper, and she knew that things were about to change.

Jasper had then wrapped his arms around her, and she had rolled into his body, holding him closely as his arms flexed, tightening his hold on her as she buried her face in his neck and he buried his face in her hair.

They held each other like that for a long time, maybe close to half an hour, and then Jasper kissed her forehead, and her cheeks, and finally her lips before he shifted, and slipped off of the bed.

He had moved towards the bathroom then, and she had pulled a robe out of her suitcase and put it on before walking towards the window. As she settled in front of the window, her fingers falling away from the secured sash around her waist, images and sounds began to flood her brain, and it had taken all that she had to remain standing.

---

Alice remained still as she heard Jasper exit the washroom, and when she felt his arms wrap around her waist and his chin rest on her shoulder, she could not control the shiver that ran through her body.

“Let’s sit,” Jasper said softly, lifting his hand to Alice’s free shoulder, resting it there for a second before he moved it down her arm, rubbing it tenderly for a moment before he pulled back from her.

Alice nodded, allowing him to take her hand.

It was time to talk.

---

“Do you hate me?” Alice asked, her voice cracking, as the softly spoken words escaped her lips.

“No,” Jasper said softly, looking over at her, his expression impossibly fond. “I love you,” he continued in the same soft tone. “I always have. I always will,” he finished, his eyes dropping to the ground as he did.

“I thought it was working,” Alice said, wringing her hands together in her lap, her eyes focused on her fidgeting hands.

Jasper lifted his hand to his hair, running his fingers through it for a few seconds before he sighed softly.

“So did I,” he breathed out softly. Especially after the summer, when he and Bella had gone to University and Alice had been dividing her time between the two of them, it had seemed to be working like a charm. He missed having her around more constantly of course, he had gotten used to always having her by his side over all of the years they had been together. But at least they were still together, and it was easier for him to compartmentalize his feeling not having to be around Alice and Bella at the same time at school.

Away from Bella, Alice was calmer and more focused. She was more the Alice that he knew, and while her emotions would sometimes flare up when talking about training with Carlisle, or if Bella somehow came up in conversation, for the most part she had been his-Alice over the past few months.

Because of that, he had been feeling calmer and more secure about things than he had in Forks, when Alice’s emotions seemed to be constantly in flux, and he thought that they really might be able to make things work.

He wanted desperately for them to be able to make things work.

“What changed?” Alice asked, chancing a look over at him, her gaze hesitant as if she expected him to be very cross with her for not comprehending on her own.

“Nothing but my perception,” Jasper responded, meeting her eyes briefly before looking away. “We always had a very comfortable relationship,” he continued, his eyes scanning the room around them. “Warm, loving, and not without passion,” he went on, his lips curving up in a smile as he recalled some of the very pleasant nights, and afternoons, and morning, and evenings that they had spent wrapped up together. “But you’re,” he stopped there, and sighed deeply, closing his eyes for a moment. “You’re very different with Bella,” he said softly a few moments later. “The depth of your longing for her … your need for her, the irrationality and chaos that she creates within you is like … like nothing I’ve ever felt from you before.”

Jasper sighed again, and brought his hand up to face, pinching the bridge of his nose as his eyes briefly closed once more.

“I thought at first, I mean I suppose I tried to convince myself at first that it was just the newness of her, the humanness of her,” he went on, shifting on the edge of the bed restlessly. “I think I convinced myself that as time went on, your emotions would calm, would steady, would become what I had been used to.”

This was what he thought had happened over the past few months, but he realized after being around the two of them again that he had been wrong. Alice’s emotions hadn’t settled, hadn’t calmed. Around Bella she was as excited, and anxious, and hopeful, and wanting, and longing, and deeply smitten as ever. He just hadn’t been around them at the same time to feel the shifting emotions over the past few months.

“But they haven’t. They’ve only gotten stronger,” Jasper continued, shaking his head slowly, his voice tapering off as he did.

It had only been a few days since Bella had been turned, but he had felt a difference between them already.

Always between them in the past there had been a certain hesitance, a certain care, a certain caution on both of their parts. Alice was vampire, and Bella was human and certain allowances had to be made because of that. Alice had to keep tight control of her desires when she was around Bella, and Bella tried to be careful too. She had to watch that she didn’t bump into things, or cut herself or do anything that might enflame Alice’s vampire passions. They were aware that they were tempting fate and nature every time they were together. This knowledge was not enough to keep them from being with each other however, they desired each other too much for that, but it kept a small distance between them.

That distance had almost completely faded within the past few days, and Jasper knew that as Bella settled into becoming a vampire that the last of the distance would fade as well. They were equal now. There was no reason for Alice to be afraid of hurting Bella, or for Bella to be afraid of hurting her. They could touch each other freely, follow their desires completely. Things about Alice’s nature that had been known but not comprehended by Bella before were slowly being illuminated. They became closer and closer every minute, and both of their joy was overwhelming. Even when they weren’t seated near each other, when Alice was tucked away with him, he had been able to feel this bliss pulsing through her, and he knew that he wasn’t the cause of it.

Alice loved him. He knew that. She had always loved him, even before they had met, and she had always been a good partner to him, a good wife, a good girlfriend, and a fine mentor and companion. In all the years that they had been together, her attention had never strayed from him, and she had never been anything but supportive and patient with his struggles.

They fit well together. They had fallen together seamlessly. Almost from the day they had met it had been like they had been married for years.

Alice and Bella hadn’t fallen together seamlessly. They had danced around each other, and pined for each other, and struggled against their desire for each other. They had fought with each, yelled, run away, and run back. They had crashed together, their relationship all heat, and flaring emotions, and uncertainty, and excitement, and desperation and fear. They surprised each other. They fought and then they made up, closer and happier with each other than they had been before.

Bella challenged Alice in a way he never had. She energized Alice, and lit a fire inside of her as he had never been able to do.

“You …” Jasper began to say, but he paused, and wasn’t able to speak again for a while. “You should be with her,” he finally forced out, his eyes staring directly forward, unable to look at Alice as he spoke.

“I am,” Alice said softly, her voice rough with emotion. “And with you,” she said her hand moving to rest on his thigh. “I need you,” Alice breathed out, tears she could not cry audible in her voice.

“You needed me,” Jasper replied allowing his hand to cover her own, though he could not meet her eyes.

They had been what the other needed when they met, and as the decades had gone on. But Alice needed something different now, needed something he couldn’t provide, that he couldn’t even really identify, but that she got from Bella.

“Now you need her,” he whispered, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply before he finally turned his head to look at Alice’s face.

Alice’s hand clutched at his thigh desperately, and she stared at him with wide, open, disbelieving, hesitant, fearful eyes. She didn’t want him to leave. She loved him, even if it wasn’t with the same burning passion that she loved Bella. He had been a constant in her life for decades and he had been her first and only love until a year before.

Alice dropped her head down, her eyes squeezing tightly shut, and she shook her head back and forth in tiny, rapid movements.

“Jazz,” she said, her voice cracking as the word fell from her lips.

But she didn’t say anything more, and Jasper was thankful for it. He knew that she was sorry, he could feel the sorrow and regret and shame radiating out from her strongly. He knew that she wanted desperately for him to stay, that she didn’t want to lose him. He knew that she was overwhelmed, almost unable to picture a world where she couldn’t run to him at a moments notice if she needed him, or he needed her.

He knew these things because of his talent, but also because he felt many of them too. He loved Alice with all that he was, and would love her until someone or something ripped eternity from him. He wanted to be with her. He wanted to have her with him always. His chest ached at the thought of not being able to feel her in his arms, and breathe in deeply and feel her scent wash over him.

But their time had passed, and he had to let her go.

It would be hard at first, for both of them. But he had to let her go. He had to let her be with Bella, really be with Bella without worrying about him, and see what they could build together. He would have to leave the state, leave the country even. He wouldn’t be able to just sit back and watch them grow closer and closer. But he hoped, that in time, when his heart had had time to heal, that he would be able to rejoin the family.

Alice’s fingers brushed against his back, and he rested his forehead against hers. They sat silently like that for a moment, then Alice’s arms wrapped around his waist, clinging to him tightly, and he wrapped his arms around her as well.

It was done.

---

Twenty-Four Hours Later

Alice kept her arms wrapped around her knees, and nose buried in the old sweater of Jasper’s she was wearing, not moving a muscle as she detected Rosalie’s scent approaching her.

She and Jasper had returned to their new home in Seattle after their talk at the hotel. When they had entered the house, one look at them had been enough to keep Esme, Emmett and Rosalie silent. They had all stood around staring at each other anxiously for a few moments, and then Jasper had informed the others that he would be leaving indefinitely. He had then turned and headed towards the stairs to pack, and Alice had followed, silently helping him, knowing better than he did where most of his things were, having been the one who unpacked them.

They had then returned downstairs, and Jasper had shaken hands with Emmett, hugged Rosalie, and hugged Esme for a bit longer, whispering something to her that the rest of them couldn’t hear. They then helped him carry his bags out to the Mercedes which Esme insisted he take. He didn’t have many bags, he had only taken clothes, and a few fond possessions with him – the rest of his things he had left with Alice to look after for him until he needed them or returned – and after another brief round of goodbyes (and a request to Esme to convey to Carlisle how much he had appreciated his love, care, and guidance over the years) he got into the car and drove away.

Alice had gone inside briefly after that to tidy the room, and secure the remainder of Jasper’s things. Then, she had gone outside and retreated into the woods that surrounded house, where she had stayed for an indeterminate amount of hours.

“Come inside,” Rose said stopping in front of Alice.

Alice remained still and silent.

Esme had come out a half hour before to try and entice her back into the house as well, but she had hidden her face against her knees and not responded to any of Esme’s words. Finally, Esme had wrapped an arm around her shoulder and hugged her, pressing her lips against the top of her head before standing up and moving back towards the house.

Alice had thought that she’d be left alone after that, but apparently the task of trying to coerce her inside had simply been transferred to Rose.

When Alice didn’t respond to her words, Rosalie sighed lowered herself onto the ground beside Alice. She had never thought that it was possible a thought like the she was having would come to her, but at that moment Rosalie wished desperately that Bella was around. She had never seen Alice so upset, and nobody was better than Bella at making Alice smile.

“Please, come inside,” Rose said softly, her eyes looking beseechingly at Alice. “Alice, please,” Rose added a few seconds later, her worry clear in her tone.

Alice ignored her. She didn’t want to be comforted. She didn’t deserve it. She had broken up her family. Because of her actions, because of her inability to control herself, both Edward and Jasper were now gone. She had taken two of Esme’s children away from her, two of Carlisle’s sons, and had taken Emmett and Rosalie’s brothers from them. Not to mention that she had devastated two of the people she was closet to in the world.

Unlike the others, being a vampire had never had her feel particularly monstrous. She felt some remorse when she hunted, and didn’t like to be seen then, but being a vampire had not done much damage to her self-esteem or self-image. She actually enjoyed being what she was quite a bit. No, being a vampire had never made her feel like a monster, but at that moment, sitting on the damp earth under the glow of the moon, thinking about what she had done, for the first time in her long life she felt monstrous.

“There was nothing you could do,” Rose said softly, placing a hand on Alice’s shoulder. “We love you,” she tried a few seconds later when nothing but silence met her words.

Rose sighed and let her arm fall from Alice’s shoulder when Alice still made no response.

“Okay, so you don’t want to talk,” Rose said, shifting on the dirt a little so that her back was resting more comfortably against the tree they were sitting at the base of. “That’s fine. We won’t talk. But,” she continued turning her head in Alice’s direction. “I’m not leaving either.”

She didn’t think that Alice would do anything stupid, but then again, none of them had thought that Edward would possibly do anything as stupid as he did when he thought that he had lost Bella, and she wasn’t going to take any chances with Alice. They had all already lost too much, and they couldn’t lose Alice too. She couldn’t lose Alice too. Because as much as they teased each other and play fought, Alice was the person she was closet to outside of Emmett, and she needed her.

They all needed each other more than ever now.

Alice turned to look at her, their eyes holding each other for a moment before the raven-haired beauty nodded. Rose nodded back and then Alice buried her face in her knees once more. Rose watched her for a few seconds, and then she shifted to the side a little so that she could wrap her arm around Alice’s shoulders.

Alice remained prone for minutes, not responding to the touch, but eventually Rose’s persistence was rewarded and Alice leaned into her a little.

Rose wrapped her up in her arms the best she could, the blonde’s body relaxing a bit now that Alice was at least accepting some comfort.

She rested her head against the trunk of the tree and settled in for some quality stargazing. She had the feeling that they were going to be out there for a while.

---

The Next Day

Bella stepped hesitantly into the living room, her eyes scanning the somber faces around her anxiously. The house was entirely too quiet, and its inhabitants entirely too serious. Something had happened when she and Carlisle were away, something bad.

“Where’s Alice?” Bella asked blinking rapidly as her eyes continued to scan the room. She knew that her lover wasn’t there. Alice was always the first person she became aware of when she entered a room, and she had known from the moment the entered the hallway that the raven-haired beauty was not in the living room with the rest of the family.

Emmett turned to look at Rose in the silence that followed Bella’s question, and Rose turned to look at Esme. Esme held her gaze for a moment, and then stood; her movements slow and precise.

“She’s upstairs,” Esme said softly.

Bella breathed in deeply and then exhaled.

Esme looked like she was seconds away from leaping across the room and gathering Bella against her breast in an effort to comfort her.

“What happened?” Bella asked trying to keep her voice steady.

“Alice is … upset,” Esme began, her words slow and halting as if she was thinking very carefully about what to say. “Jasper left,” she continued, her hand fluttering up to her chest to come to rest over her heart. “He’s gone. He’s left us.”

Bella blinked slowly.

“Wha … I … I don’t … why?” she chocked out, her brain having trouble processing what Esme had just told her. “Where’d he go?”

Esme’s body trembled slightly, as she shook her head from side to side.

“We don’t know where he’s gone,” she responded quietly. “He didn’t say, and if Alice knows she hasn’t told us,” she continued, tucking a luxurious strand of brown hair behind her ear. “As for why … she hasn’t told us that either,” Esme finished, her eyes lingering on Bella for a second before she looked past her to Carlisle, holding his eyes for a moment before she sat down.

Bella was silent for a long moment, and then she murmured, “Oh.”

Alice may not have said anything about it to them, and she had no confirmation of anything herself, but she was certain that everyone else in the room was thinking the same thing about Jasper departure that she was. They were thinking that it was her fault. They were thinking that Jasper left because of her, or perhaps more accurately, because of her and Alice.

“How …” Bella began a minute later, blinking against tears that would never flow from her eyes again.

“Not well,” Rose said speaking for the first time, her intense amber gaze focused on Bella.

Bella’s head dropped, her eyes scanning the floor. Rose’s concern was clearly audible in her voice, and Bella realized that Alice must have been acting very strange for Rose’s defenses to be down so low.

“Why are you still standing there?” Rose asked her question drawing Bella’s eyes back over to her.

“What?”

“Why are you still standing there?” Rose repeated. “Brooding isn’t going to do any good. What’s done is done. Go talk to her,” she continued waving her hand towards the stairs. “Make it better.”

Bella nodded, dazed. Rose made it so sound so simple, but she had no idea how to make it better. Alice was obviously extremely upset, and she had a reason to be didn’t she? She had just cost Alice her marriage. She had cost her the man she had spent the last sixty years of her life with? Of course Alice was devastated. How could she be anything else? How was she supposed to make that better? How was she, the person responsible for wrecking Alice’s home, supposed to offer comfort to her?

Bella had no answers to these questions, but she started for the stairs nonetheless.

She had no idea what she was going to say to Alice when she got to her room. She had no idea if Alice would even want to talk to her. But she had to try. She couldn’t do anything but go and see her. She loved Alice, and Alice was in pain, and it was not within her power run away from that.

She would go to the woman she loved, and she would try and make it better.

That was all she could do.

---

Alice tilted her head lazily in the direction of the door as it creaked open. She knew without looking that it was Bella, and she had determined not to look at her when the brunette entered the room. But, as always she was drawn to Bella’s scent, and when it hit her she was helpless. It was impossible for her not to turn.

The room was dark, and less than a week ago, Bella would have had to turn on the light to see her. But now, Bella could make out Alice’s figure clearly in the dark.

The raven-haired beauty was sitting on the floor with her back slumped against the wall, her limbs limp, and her shoulders were hunched wearily.

Bella began to walk slowly towards her, approaching her as one would a wounded animal.

The thought was almost enough to make Alice smile, since that was essentially what she was.

“Alice,” Bella said softly.

“Yes,” Alice responded softly, her voice rough and hoarse. “Some version of her,” she added as Bella neared her. “Some low, dark, terrible form of her,” she muttered under her breath as Bella sat down beside her.

Bella took her hand, and Alice shivered, her hand jerking automatically out of Bella’s grip.

“Jasper’s gone,” Alice said listlessly, her head rolling back so that her eyes were scanning the ceiling.

“I know,” Bella said gently, reaching for Alice’s hand again, clasping it with both of her, holding it firmly even as Alice tried to take her hand away again.

“I hurt him very badly,” Alice said, her eyes still on the ceiling, though Bella could hear the pain the words caused her in her voice. “I didn’t know … I thought everything was fine … that he’d … but, maybe I just wanted it to be like that. I did. I just … told myself that, because I didn’t want to face the truth. Because I was being selfish, because I … wanted to keep you both,” she continued, her voice trailing off as her eyes squeezed shut and she angled her head again from Bella’s.

She had been so selfish, so willfully blind. She should have known better. In a way she had known better. Before she and Bella had made love for the first time, before she had left Forks for months in an attempt to get over her feelings for Bella, on a chilly afternoon at the beach she had told Bella that vampires weren’t any better at sharing than humans were. And then she had gone and proposed that they try it because she wanted to have her blood and drink it too. She had convinced herself that things could work because she was too weak to face the truth, but things had just ended up how they would have if she had faced things head on after Italy.

“We,” Bella interjected before Alice could continue. “We,” Bella said again, emphasizing the word. “You weren’t in this relationship alone,” Bella said squeezing Alice’s hand. “I wanted this … just as badly as you did,” the brunette sighed. “I ignored,” Bella went on pausing briefly. “I turned a blind eye as much as you did.”

“Yes, but …” Alice began, shaking her head emphatically from side to side. “This isn’t about …” she continued before trailing off, still shaking her head, struggling to find the words. “I just … messed everything up so badly. I’m supposed to get us out of trouble, to protect us from bad decisions. To protect us from ourselves, and I fucked up … so spectacularly, Bella. I should have known. I should have done things differently.”

“How?” Bella asked firmly. “You’re not a god Alice. Despite your gift you can’t know everything that is going to happen. You told me yourself, that life is still largely a mystery for you,” Bella said, reaching out for Alice’s face, turning it towards her. “What would you have done differently? What could you have done differently?” she asked. “You were honest with him Alice. You didn’t try to keep anything from him, only to find a solution that would make everyone happy,” she went on stroking Alice’s cheek gently. “Things just … didn’t work,” Bella said gently.

“I hurt him,” Alice repeated, squeezing her eyes shut, even though she didn’t take her head out of Bella’s hands. “The look in his eyes … the pain, and maybe worse still the love … all of that love that was still there, and I …” she trailed off, her body shaking slightly against Bella’s side.

Bella sighed deeply, her eyes closing for a moment. They had had such dreams at the beginning, such hope. They had wanted things to work so very badly. The plan had seemed so simple, so perfect. But people weren’t perfect. They weren’t predictable, and logical, and linear like numbers. The formula they had come up with had seemed like a sound one, but it was impossible to treat people like numbers. The heart felt what it felt, despite what the brain, what reason and intellect might tell a person. The equation had seemed so simple … but there was no equation for love that ever worked, no formula that was ever foolproof.

They had hoped for the best. But, it was never a guarantee.

“I love you,” Bella said, uncertain what else she could say, even though it was that love that had left Alice in the broken, torn state she was presently in.

“I love you too,” Alice said, and Bella was relieved that there was no doubt in her voice as she said it. Alice was riddled with guilt and shame, but it hadn’t called her love for Bella into question.

Bella’s hand ran up Alice’s arm, and she pressed her lips against her lover’s warm cheek.

Alice sighed softly, her hand squeezing Bella’s and then she pulled back.

“I have to hunt,” she said, her eyes scanning the room avoiding Bella’s as she spoke.

Bella remained quiet for a moment. She wanted to offer to go with her, to keep her company. She wanted to stay with Alice and keep an eye on her. To support her, but she held her tongue. She knew that Alice had hunted no less than three days before and that the thirst couldn’t possibly be claiming her. Grief wasn’t one of the emotions that increased a vampire’s appetite like arousal and anger did. Grief suppressed the hunger, tamed it as it weighed down the spirit, much like it did for humans.

As much as she wanted to stay with Alice, Bella knew that Alice didn’t need to hunt. She just wanted to be alone. She just wanted to be away from her.

“Okay,” Bella said softly a few seconds later, reluctantly releasing Alice’s hand. “We’ll talk more when you get back.”

Alice nodded silently, and Bella could practically feel the relief flooding through her. She tried not to be insulted by it. She knew that Alice was going through a lot and needed some time to think things through. But try as she might, it still hurt.

“I won’t be long,” Alice said softly, stopping in the doorway.

“Take your time,” Bella said, giving Alice the permission she needed to stay away for a while without feeling guilty. She didn’t want Alice to feel pressured into coming back on her account.

Alice nodded, her eyes holding Bella’s for a moment, and then she headed out the door.

Bella sighed and closed her eyes, tipping her head back.

She knew that she wouldn’t see Alice again for a few hours.

To be continued …

Author’s Note: I just wanted to say, thank you so much for the comments and the words of encouragement. I know the updates have been taking a bit longer, and I really appreciate that you all are still with me, and taking the time to follow the story. I feel like I’m kind of rambling here, but I just wanted to say “you guys rock”, cause it’s true :D.