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fembuckTitle: The Day Ivy Tamwood Woke Up A Dude
Author: Janine
Fandom: The Hollows
Pairing: Rachel/Ivy
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Summary: Ivy... wakes up ... a dude (the title really isn't awash with subtly)
Note: This story is crack!fic to the extreme. I wrote it while extremely under the influence, and it really looks and sound like it was written by someone extremely under the influence, lol. I wasn't even gonna post it, but then I was like "eh, what the hell", so here it is to read if you want…
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My name’s Ivy Tamwood. One day, I woke up as a guy. This … is the story of that day.
Rachel: Do you want to be in this circle with me?
Me: *head shake* No.
Rachel: Fine.
[Rachel makes circle]
Me: Rachel. Why am I in the circle?
Rachel: Wha … I didn’t … how’d that …?
Me: *sigh*
Rachel: Well, as long as the circle’s up I could as well do the spell.
Me: *sigh*
Rachel: Don’t worry, Ivy. I know what I’m doing. We’ll be fine. It’s a relatively simple spell.
Me: You and Ceri have been working on that thing day and night for three days.
Rachel: It’s the most simple of complex spells.
Me: *sigh*
Rachel: Seriously, relax. I know what I’m doing.
Me: *sigh*
Rachel: Okay. Let’s go.
[BANG FLASH ZOOM OF SOME KIND!]
Ten minutes later I regain consciousness…
Me: Ugh.
[I stumble onto an unconscious Rachel]
Me: Rachel? Rachel. Rachel!
Rachel: Five more minutes, I don’t even have class first period…
Me: Oh god, her head!
[checks for blood]
Rachel: *woozy* Ivy?
Me: Rachel! Oh thank god, I thought … your head … Rachel are you okay?
Rachel: Yeah. *pause* Yeah, I think … yeah. Ivy?
Me: *relieved* What?
Rachel: You look different.
Me: What?
Rachel: You look different.
Me: Rachel, what are you ….?
[looks down]
Me: *deep sigh*
The circle is broken, so we’s hangin’ by da sink …
Rachel: I don’t know what went wrong.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG?
Rachel: *wince* No.
Me: *deflated* I’m sorry I yelled at you. I know you didn’t mean to … it’s just … Rachel, I’m a …
Rachel: Dude. I know. *pause* I noticed. *pause* Don’t worry, Ivy, I’ll fix this. I promise.
Me: *sigh*
‘Dis be da part where she start checking me out …
Me: Rachel! Stop it!
Rachel: Sorry. Sorry.
Me: *goes back to pretending to read magazine*
[Probably like half a second later cause Rachel is a horn-dog]
Me: Rachel!
Rachel: *blush* God, sorry. Really. Sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Me: *darkly* There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re acting the same way you always do whenever there’s an eligible male in the room.
Rachel: *archly* And how’s that?
Me: Interested.
(I thought she might be offended. She was. I thought so.)
Rachel: Am not! I do not! It’s just … you’re a dude Ivy! Of course it’s gonna draw my eye.
Me: *shifting* What is it that draws your eye, exactly?
Rachel: Oh my god, are you going vampy?
Me: I’m a bit butch for that now. Why don’t we say, ‘predatory’?
Rachel: What are you doing?
Me: Giving you what you want, in a package you’ll accept.
Rachel: Ivy …
Me: You said you loved me.
Rachel: I do!
Me: You find this body attractive.
Rachel: You’ve always been beautiful.
Me: You want to touch this body. You know how to touch this body.
Rachel: Ivy …
Me: I love you. You love me. I want you. In this body you can want me. We can share blood without hurt. You can touch and *leaning in* I can touch … we can touch.
Rachel: Ivy *breathing hard* Ivy…
In my bed, a rather a short time later …
[Lot’s of touching in the bedizzle]
Rachel: *running her hand up my torso*
Me: What is it?
Rachel: This feels … wrong.
Me: What? Me and you? Or this … body?
Rachel: This *rubs hand again* The body.
Me: I thought you wanted this body. A male body.
Rachel: I don’t know … it just feels, wrong. It’s too hard, too angular, too broad. Everything’s too different. You look different, you sound different, you feel different, you even smell different. I miss you.
Me: Me?
Rachel: You. All of you. I want to see Ivy.
Me: But …
Rachel: Oh god *wondering runs her hands over my abs* I don’t want this. I want to see Ivy.
Me: Rachel?
Rachel: Taut not hard muscles. Breasts. Plush lips. Ivy.
Me: Rachel?
*reaches up and pulls me down into a kiss, hugging me to her tightly. Quickly (far far too quickly) she pulls back and shifts to move off of the bed. She grabs my hand to pull me with her*
Rachel: We’ve got to turn you back.
Me: What?
Rachel: We’ve got to turn you back. I miss Ivy. I want Ivy.
Me: I am Ivy.
Rachel: Yes. And I want you to look like, well you. The real you. I want to touch you, looking like you.
Me: Oh. *I smiled like an idiot, I’ll admit it*
Rachel: Yeah. ‘Oh’.
Me: How?
Rachel: What?
Me: How are we going to change me back?
Rachel: *stops* Uh …
Me: *sighs*
Deus machin-Ceri … blah blah blah, old elf magic, thousands of years old, tea is yummy, stern lecture that Rachel will ignore, Rachel screws up but is able to follow her instincts and listen to her gut all the way to solution. BANG. I have breasts again. Yes!
Later …
Me: Mmmmmmmmm.
Rachel: Mmmmmmmm.
Me: You smell good.
Rachel: Mm.
Me: Mmmmmm. You taste good.
Rachel: mmm sigh moan ….
Me: I love you.
Rachel: *breathy* I love you, too.
Me: Are you tired?
Rachel: Not if it means sexin’ again.
Me: It does.
Rachel: I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘tired’ . Is it French?
Me: Yes. *kisses her – in the style of the French (that means with tongue!)*
Rachel: Yessssssss …
*Mouth becomes otherwise occupied*
So, all in all, I’d say it worked out pretty well. Ivy Tamwood … out. Stay gold, Citizens, stay gold!
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no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 06:39 pm (UTC)Lovely piece of writing.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 06:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 06:49 pm (UTC)i lol'ed :) you've got CBMcG pegged, chica.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:13 pm (UTC)I think you're right, and that makes me sad. I used to believe in CBMcG. Now I'm just chargined by her. I expect her to stoop that low these days.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 06:49 pm (UTC)awesomefic, even if it is crack!fic!And I know it's supposed to be crack, but I can totally see this happening in the books...if KH hadn't transformed into Cock Block in the last ones *eye roll*Rachel: I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘tired’ . Is it French?
Me: Yes.
Best line ever x)
no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:16 pm (UTC)Lucky, confluence of events. I'll probably try to do it again, but I'm sure that won't turn out as well as this apparently did. I think it was just beginner's luck!
but I can totally see this happening in the books...if KH hadn't transformed into Cock Block in the last ones *eye roll*
I'm honestly surprised that Cock Block hasn't pulled a gender switch yet (she's getting close with the 'Ivy could choose to be human' thing). It'll probably crop up in one of the books that left. I have no faith in her not to go there. It'd be a perfect way to torture Ivy, but having Rachel reject her as a male AND a female, so that all Ivy can infer is that there is something fundamentally wrong with her as person, and Cock Block can then send her into a tailspin of misery, as usual.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 06:58 pm (UTC)You're a genius. You should feel like this about writing this:
no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 07:15 pm (UTC)You went ghetto when you were under the influence. D:
no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:19 pm (UTC)Think about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, you're right, I got ghetto. I just couldn't help it ;)
no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 11:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 07:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:19 pm (UTC)*is totally going to try it again anyway*
no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 07:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 07:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 10:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-06 02:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 08:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:21 pm (UTC)A bowl exists to be passed around! *shares mental bowl*
no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:22 pm (UTC)I know, right? *sigh* And French Teacher's always tend to be hot for some reason. *Mm, French Teacher's*
no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 10:42 pm (UTC)Deus machin-Ceri … blah blah blah, old elf magic, thousands of years old, tea is yummy, stern lecture that Rachel will ignore, Rachel screws up but is able to follow her instincts and listen to her gut all the way to solution. BANG. I have breasts again. Yes!
Best part. Just saying. xD
no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:27 pm (UTC)lol. I think that's my fav. part too. Cause it's practically canon, lol. Oh, insulting Rachel is always fun.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-05 11:41 pm (UTC)I should have put down my own beverage before reading this.
I definitely shouldn't have picked it up again before:
Deus machin-Ceri … blah blah blah, old elf magic, thousands of years old, tea is yummy, stern lecture that Rachel will ignore, Rachel screws up but is able to follow her instincts and listen to her gut all the way to solution. BANG. I have breasts again. Yes!
Well done.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-06 12:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-06 12:30 am (UTC)Been said before, but I'll say it again. Best. Line. Ever.
God. I think even I could go straight for a male Ivy. But not if I were Rachel, it would just make things way too easy.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:10 pm (UTC)I think this may be true for me as well.
I've decided that Victor from "Dollhouse" is what a male Ivy would be like, and I would totally hit that. I love that dreamy bastard. So, yeah, Ivy's awesome traits in a male body = yeah, I'd still hit that.
But not if I were Rachel, it would just make things way too easy.
*sigh* Rachel, has always gotta get from Point A to Point B in zig-zag formation.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-06 01:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:12 pm (UTC)Rachel is Queen of Mind-Fuckery. It in an awesome bout of mind-fuckery her mental shenanigans always end up screwing HER over the most (well, I no, they screw Ivy over the most, but second most I guess).
no subject
Date: 2009-04-06 01:49 am (UTC)ohhh geez i was trying at the moment to be quiet and serious for my cuz to do some serious thinking- then i ruined it by opening this and cracking up at every other line :p
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Date: 2009-04-08 11:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-06 07:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-06 09:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:30 pm (UTC)This may be it. That was my condition when I wrote it and thought it was funny, after all, lol!
Hope the allergies are doin' a little better. Spring is a wonderful and terrible time of year. Mine were acting up like crazy last week.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-07 05:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 05:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 11:31 pm (UTC)