Fic: The Day Ivy Tamwood Woke Up A Dude (Rachel/Ivy, The Hollows)

[fembuck]

Title: The Day Ivy Tamwood Woke Up A Dude
Author: Janine
Fandom: The Hollows
Pairing:  Rachel/Ivy
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Summary:  Ivy... wakes up ... a dude (the title really isn't awash with subtly)

Note:  This story is crack!fic to the extreme.  I wrote it while extremely under the influence, and it really looks and sound like it was written by someone extremely under the influence, lol.  I wasn't even gonna post it, but then I was like "eh, what the hell", so here it is to read if you want…

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My name’s Ivy Tamwood. One day, I woke up as a guy. This … is the story of that day.

Rachel: Do you want to be in this circle with me?

Me: *head shake* No.

Rachel: Fine.

[Rachel makes circle]

Me: Rachel. Why am I in the circle?

Rachel: Wha … I didn’t … how’d that …?

Me: *sigh*

Rachel: Well, as long as the circle’s up I could as well do the spell.

Me: *sigh*

Rachel: Don’t worry, Ivy. I know what I’m doing. We’ll be fine. It’s a relatively simple spell.

Me: You and Ceri have been working on that thing day and night for three days.

Rachel: It’s the most simple of complex spells.

Me: *sigh*

Rachel: Seriously, relax. I know what I’m doing.

Me: *sigh*

Rachel: Okay. Let’s go.

[BANG FLASH ZOOM OF SOME KIND!]

Ten minutes later I regain consciousness…

Me: Ugh.

[I stumble onto an unconscious Rachel]

Me: Rachel? Rachel. Rachel!

Rachel: Five more minutes, I don’t even have class first period…

Me: Oh god, her head!

[checks for blood]

Rachel: *woozy* Ivy?

Me: Rachel! Oh thank god, I thought … your head … Rachel are you okay?

Rachel: Yeah. *pause* Yeah, I think … yeah. Ivy?

Me: *relieved* What?

Rachel: You look different.

Me: What?

Rachel: You look different.

Me: Rachel, what are you ….?

[looks down]

Me: *deep sigh*

The circle is broken, so we’s hangin’ by da sink …

Rachel: I don’t know what went wrong.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG?

Rachel: *wince* No.

Me: *deflated* I’m sorry I yelled at you. I know you didn’t mean to … it’s just … Rachel, I’m a …

Rachel: Dude. I know. *pause* I noticed. *pause* Don’t worry, Ivy, I’ll fix this. I promise.

Me: *sigh*

‘Dis be da part where she start checking me out …

Me: Rachel! Stop it!

Rachel: Sorry. Sorry.

Me: *goes back to pretending to read magazine*

[Probably like half a second later cause Rachel is a horn-dog]

Me: Rachel!

Rachel: *blush* God, sorry. Really. Sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Me: *darkly* There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re acting the same way you always do whenever there’s an eligible male in the room.

Rachel: *archly* And how’s that?

Me: Interested.

(I thought she might be offended. She was. I thought so.)

Rachel: Am not! I do not! It’s just … you’re a dude Ivy! Of course it’s gonna draw my eye.

Me: *shifting* What is it that draws your eye, exactly?

Rachel: Oh my god, are you going vampy?

Me: I’m a bit butch for that now. Why don’t we say, ‘predatory’?

Rachel: What are you doing?

Me: Giving you what you want, in a package you’ll accept.

Rachel: Ivy …

Me: You said you loved me.

Rachel: I do!

Me: You find this body attractive.

Rachel: You’ve always been beautiful.

Me: You want to touch this body. You know how to touch this body.

Rachel: Ivy …

Me: I love you. You love me. I want you. In this body you can want me. We can share blood without hurt. You can touch and *leaning in* I can touch … we can touch.

Rachel: Ivy *breathing hard* Ivy…

In my bed, a rather a short time later …

[Lot’s of touching in the bedizzle]

Rachel: *running her hand up my torso*

Me: What is it?

Rachel: This feels … wrong.

Me: What? Me and you? Or this … body?

Rachel: This *rubs hand again* The body.

Me: I thought you wanted this body. A male body.

Rachel: I don’t know … it just feels, wrong. It’s too hard, too angular, too broad. Everything’s too different. You look different, you sound different, you feel different, you even smell different. I miss you.

Me: Me?

Rachel: You. All of you. I want to see Ivy.

Me: But …

Rachel: Oh god *wondering runs her hands over my abs* I don’t want this. I want to see Ivy.

Me: Rachel?

Rachel: Taut not hard muscles. Breasts. Plush lips. Ivy.

Me: Rachel?

*reaches up and pulls me down into a kiss, hugging me to her tightly. Quickly (far far too quickly) she pulls back and shifts to move off of the bed. She grabs my hand to pull me with her*

Rachel: We’ve got to turn you back.

Me: What?

Rachel: We’ve got to turn you back. I miss Ivy. I want Ivy.

Me: I am Ivy.

Rachel: Yes. And I want you to look like, well you. The real you. I want to touch you, looking like you.

Me: Oh. *I smiled like an idiot, I’ll admit it*

Rachel: Yeah. ‘Oh’.

Me: How?

Rachel: What?

Me: How are we going to change me back?

Rachel: *stops* Uh …

Me: *sighs*

Deus machin-Ceri … blah blah blah, old elf magic, thousands of years old, tea is yummy, stern lecture that Rachel will ignore, Rachel screws up but is able to follow her instincts and listen to her gut all the way to solution. BANG. I have breasts again. Yes!

Later …

Me: Mmmmmmmmm.

Rachel: Mmmmmmmm.

Me: You smell good.

Rachel: Mm.

Me: Mmmmmm. You taste good.

Rachel: mmm sigh moan ….

Me: I love you.

Rachel: *breathy* I love you, too.

Me: Are you tired?

Rachel: Not if it means sexin’ again.

Me: It does.

Rachel: I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘tired’ . Is it French?

Me: Yes. *kisses her – in the style of the French (that means with tongue!)*

Rachel: Yessssssss …

*Mouth becomes otherwise occupied*

So, all in all, I’d say it worked out pretty well. Ivy Tamwood … out. Stay gold, Citizens, stay gold!

The End.

Comments

[immortal-70.livejournal.com]

He, He, ( I have breasts again. yes!) Your always amazin, but this was hilarious!

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed it :D