I just got back from the midnight showing of G.I. Joe and ...

[fembuck]

I'm not gonna say that it was godawful ... but it was close. 

This movie was so fucking irritating to me.  It was just like, everything single thing that they could have done to irritate me, they did.  I spent probably like half the movie shaking my head in despair and chuckling to myself to stop myself from sobbing at the awfulness. 

I'm so sick of teams that are supposed to save the world being made up of childish buffoons.  I found it hard to believe that any of these people could be the best at ANYTHING (except for Snake Eyes, Snake Eyes was cool).  I wouldn't want any of them for a doubles partner at the local tennis tournament, and I certainly wouldn't have entrusted any of them with saving the goddamn planet.  Why can't the heroes of movie these days be competent?  I don't get why I'm supposed to cheer for people who are so willfully stupid and arrogant and emotionaly stunted. 

I wanted to go to sleep during the last twenty minutes of the film, but it was so goddamn loud that I couldn't even escape into the bliss of sweet, sweet unconsciousness.   During that scene is the hospital at the end, if I had had something inexpensive and aerodynamic in my possession, I would have thrown it at the screen.

You know what, I take it back.  The movie was godawful.

I mean the closing credits song was fucking a "Boom Boom Pow" remix, for Christ' s sake!  

UGH.

What I Liked

1.  The fight scene between the Baroness and Scarlett.  Watching them pound the shit out of each other was really, really awesome.  And the Baroness strangling Scarlett was disturbingly hot, as was the Baroness straddling Scarlett later on in the scene.  It was like that field hockey scene between Blair and Serena in the third episode of Gossip Girl.  Mind you it wasn't as awesome as that scene, but it had that same kind of wicked hate!sex energy.

2.  The Baronesses wardrobe (and Storm Shadows for that matter.  He was a total GQMF).  The Baroness looked fierce as hell, and Sienna Miller has a fantastic rack.

3.  Snake Eyes and the subplot about Snake Eyes and Shadow Cat Storm Shadow.

4.  Christopher Eccleston and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  Christopher Eccleston was genuinely entertaining (love the Scottish brogue on him), as was Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander.  The scenes with these two were consistently watchable (which is really saying something with this film).

5.  Rachel Nichols lookin' real fine.  I like her as a redhead.


What I Didn't Like (prepare yourself, this list is much longer!)

1.  Channing Tatum is not charming AT ALL, and he's not that cute either.  Also, Duke is BORING AS HELL.  They could have drawn little squiggly lines on the top of a 2x4 and that plank of wood would have been more engaging that Channing Tatum.  I was bored by Duke in the beginning, and as the movie went on I actually came to really, really dislike him.  Useless.  They kept telling me he was special and shit BUT I DIDN'T SEE IT!  All I saw was an incompetent little shit who kept being incompetent and got people killed, and then got patted on the back and told he was awesome for being a complete and utter failure (and a cowardly little shit too!  FUCK YOU 'WEARING SUNGLASSES IN THE RAIN' SCENE,  I DID NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM!!!!)

2.  The ruined the Baroness.  Just fucking ruined her.  She started out well, but the more that they revealed her back story, the shittier her story become until the absolute dredge that it turned into in the end.  Like I went from cheering and enjoying her ridiculous (but also really bad-ass entrance into the film) to finally cringing during her last scene.  I can't even really explain all the ways I hated this storyline because the rage is so fresh right now.

3.  I didn't find Ripcord funny, which meant that this movie was hell for me because he was constantly cracking 'jokes' throughout the whole thing.  And that motivation speech he gave Scarlett was shit.  In fact that whole "romance" was completely unnecessary and boring.  Also, it made Scarlett seem like a complete idiot, because after going on about how she was a genius and graduated from college at 12, they had Ripcord making incredibly simple observations that were supposed to dazzle the audience that by all rights Scarlett should have been making because she's the egghead, but they had to dumb her down and make her an emotional twat in order to make Scarlett/Ripcord seem to work.  Ugh.

4.  I love me some Rachel Nichols.  I saddens me that this is her first major big screen role, because it's so blah.  Rachel was kick-ass, and did as good a job as she could have with what she was given.  Her entrance was pretty bad-ass, I LOVED her fight with the Baroness, and the motorcycle scene while ridiculous was also really hot (once you get over the sense destruction they were causing).  But, Scarlett as a character was kind of mess (like all of them really), and I'm annoyed with how the character was handled, but right now I'm too butt-hurt

to coherent explain why.

5.  Those exceleration suits were awful and the terribleness of the CGI for them offended me.

I can't even continue with this.  I'm bored of thinking about this film any more.  I'm getting sleepy and the rage is beginning to dissipate.

In conclusion ...



Watch at your own risk!

Comments

[trancer21.livejournal.com]

*sigh* Even knowing how awful this movie is *still* isn't going to stop me from seeing it. Although, downloading the shitty cam version of torrents is starting to look mighty appealing!

Yeah, I saw Channing Tatum on the cover of some magazine touting him as the next new action hero and all I could think was 'why?'. Even on the cover, he looked like Blandy McBoring.

[amluv.livejournal.com]

you know how i know i'm on facebook too much...i was looking for the thumbs up to like this post...just word...
i only became aware of channing tatum because i accidentally watched that movie w/ him and amanda bynes one night i was really drunk...he was so bad in that movie, it actually sobered me up...that was not a good night...needless to say, shallow me will go see this movie...

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

.he was so bad in that movie, it actually sobered me up

lol! I know. He's just awful in everything. He's like the "Twilight" movie in and of himself. Just thinking about him makes me want to take a nap.

needless to say, shallow me will go see this movie...

Obviously, I cannot judge. Just get good and drunk before hand. It'll dull the pain.

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Even knowing how awful this movie is *still* isn't going to stop me from seeing it.

I understand. I knew it was going to be awful going into it, and I still couldn't resist seeing it.

Although, downloading the shitty cam version of torrents is starting to look mighty appealing!

But the dazzling good looks of Rachel Nichols and Sienna Miller will be compromised, and really their hotness is all that got me through it (well, that and Christopher Eccleston and Joseph Gordon-Levitt)

and all I could think was 'why?'. Even on the cover, he looked like Blandy McBoring.

I know. He's so incredibly uncharismatic, and he's not even that good looking. He's average. I don't know why Hollywood keeps trying to shove him down my throat. Pimp Jeremy Renner, Hollywood! He's got the same kind of look as Tatum, only he's much, much, much hotter and the man can ACT!