Hollywood I am Dissappoint

[fembuck]

So, this weekend I saw ...

Oh my god, this movie was boring.  I nearly nodded off like three times during it.  It's been a while since I've seen such a soulless piece of dreck.  I didn't care about one goddamn character in this movie.  Well, maybe Kyle and Kate and John, but even then only a little bit.

All I could think about the whole time I was watching was how much better the worst episode of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles was.  People complained that that show was too talky and philosphical, but Terminator: Salvation just proves that it's better to have character development than explosions. 

When I'm watching a film, and I'm thinking that I'd rather be watching Thomas Dekker than Christian Bale you know someone screwed up big time.

More Thoughts:

1.  Sam Worthington poses well, but is pretty charisma free.  I think they're hoping for the next Hugh Jackman or Gerard Butler with him, but I think he's going to be the next Paul Walker.

2.  Christian Bale was criminally underused. 
I don't understand how John Connor was practically a minor freaking character in this.  Why on earth would they make the whole movie about Marcus' journey?  We've been invested in John Connor for three movies and one television series, and you're going to then make it all about Marcus' journey to discover who and what he is?  The fuck?  I cannot express how much it bugged me that Marcus and Blair got more of a love subplot than John and Kate did (especially because I really liked Bryce Dallas Howard in this, and I really liked how John and Kate seemed to operate like partners.  They're relationship actually seemed kind of interesting, you know in like the 3, minute long scenes they had together.

3.  Why didn't that little girl talk?  Whatever they were trying to do with her character, IT DIDN'T WORK!

4.  Helena Bonham Carter was sadly not on screen long enough.  I was somewhat engaged during her scenes so of course she was only on screen for like 5 minutes.

5.  Moon Bloodgood is really goodlooking, but sometimes that just isn't enough.

6.  An attempted rape scene, how unexpected.  *Sarcasm meter explodes*

7.  Ugh ... I'm just paralyzed with not caring.  I can't even come up with a seventh thought.

Jesus H. Christ, this makes me want to go back and watch Terminator 3.  Terminator 3 people!  Terminator Salvation makes that shit look good.  *sigh*

LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS

The title of this movie is awesome.  The movie itself is not. 

I called Terminator: Salvation a soulless piece of dreck.  Well, this movie has it beat.  I said there were two people that I kind of cared about in Terminator (and a few others that I was close to caring about), there was not one character that I liked in Lesbian Vampire Killers.

I think it was supposed to be a comedy.  But I'm confused because I thought comedies were supposed to be funny!  Seriously, a bad Swedish accents really still the cutting edge of comedy?  Am I supposed to laugh at "Yeah Yeah" jokes, and implant humor.  Is a fat, loud, drunken idiot, perving over a teenage girl and counting down until she's eighteen really supposed to amuse me?  What about a cock sword?  Oh, I know what's comedy gold!  Let's have the lesbian vampires look like some guy jizzed all over them while we shove phallicly shaped sharp objects in them and then cheer.  A frying pan?  Seriously?  Ugh.  And don't even get me started on the lame meta humor.



Jimmy was a non-entity that I didn't give two shits about, and Fletch was one of THE most annoying characters I've encountered on screen in a while. I think these guys were supposed to be lovable, buffon losers who we loved and cheered for, but I just wanted them to die horrible fucking deaths so I wouldn't have to look at them anymore, especially Fletch.

I cry of Myanna Byring who is actually a decent actress, and actually tried during this.  If the script wasn't so horrible I probably would have liked her character Lotte, but because the script was so god awful, I couldn't even like this character no matter how much I tried.  And I did try.

And for a movie with a title like Lesbian Vampire Killers, there was very little lesbianism and none of it was appealing or sexy at all.  Soulless and clinical.  I was bored people, it was lesbian vampires and I was bored out of my fucking skull.



I'm seriously struggling to find one good thing to say about this movie.  I think I'm going to have to go with the vampires looked kind of neat.  They had an etheral wood nymph quality that was visually pretty spectacular.  That's it people.  That's all I can say I actually liked.

Horrible.  Terrible.  Awful.

AVOID AVOID AVOID AVOID!

Overall ... not impressed

Comments

[trancer21.livejournal.com]

re: Terminator: Salvation

You know, when I heard Christian Bale's rant I thought he was being a douche. But having seen the final product and knowing if it weren't for Bale there would have been LESS John Connor in this movie? NOW I DON'T THINK BALE WAS DOUCHEY ENOUGH!!

There was absolutely no point to this movie. NO POINT. I have no idea what the writers (who also wrote T:3) were smoking when they pitched this, let alone what FOX was thinking when they actually bought it. Oh wow, a movie about a convicted killer finding redemption as a cyborg hybrid that has very little to do with John Connor - FASCINATING? NOT!!

Oh, and did you know McG and the writers ORIGINAL ending was to have John become a cyborg? Until Bale stepped in and was all 'oh, *fuck* naw!'.

An attempted rape scene, how unexpected. *Sarcasm meter explodes*

That scene made me want to punch somebody in the face!

And thanks for the warning about Lesbian Vampire Killers! When I first heard about it, something pinged my 'suck meter'. Now, I know!

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

But having seen the final product and knowing if it weren't for Bale there would have been LESS John Connor in this movie? NOW I DON'T THINK BALE WAS DOUCHEY ENOUGH!!

lol. I know, working on that piece of shit would put anyone on edge. Still, dude did sign on to make the movie after reading the piece of shit script, so I can't feel too sorry for him.

There was absolutely no point to this movie. NO POINT. I have no idea what the writers (who also wrote T:3) were smoking when they pitched this, let alone what FOX was thinking when they actually bought it.

This. It added absolutely NOTHING to the Terminator universe. And since they had Marcus!bot have Marcus!Criminal brain and heart, there was really no question as to whether he was human or not. He was just a cyborg. T: TSCC addressed that issue of what makes us human, and could cybernetic organisms ever really feel etc. MUCH MUCH MUCH better with Cameron.

Oh wow, a movie about a convicted killer finding redemption as a cyborg hybrid that has very little to do with John Connor - FASCINATING? NOT!!

I'm baffled as to why I was supposed to be interested in this guy. I mean, he was kind of an asshole to people throughout the movie also, so I have no idea what they were trying to do with this character. Only that it was boring as hell. I can't believe we could have seen John and Kyle working together but instead we got saddled with a Marcus/Kyle buddy cop show.


Oh, and did you know McG and the writers ORIGINAL ending was to have John become a cyborg? Until Bale stepped in and was all 'oh, *fuck* naw!'.

Ugh. I thought they were going to do that for a while in the movie, and was relieved as fuck when they didn't. But to know that this was McG's original plan, just explains to me why the movie was such shit. If he thought that was a good idea, there was no hope for this to be a good film. Thank god for Bale.

That scene made me want to punch somebody in the face!

I know. I kind of mentally checked out a bit after that scene. I hated it so much. It was just bit in there so that THE FUCKING KILLER could sweep in and save her, and show us WHAT A GOOD GUY HE IS. FUCK YOU! Blair was a trained resistance fighter. There was no way she would have just showed up there, taken off her weapon and wandered away. She should have been able to handle that shit herself. FUCKING PERIMETER CHECK BLAIR! It was so amateurish. A trained fighter never would have done that. It was all so Marcus could be the fucking hero.

And thanks for the warning about Lesbian Vampire Killers!

Oh, it's awful. It's so awful. *shudder*

[trancer21.livejournal.com]

It added absolutely NOTHING to the Terminator universe.

You know what *really* pisses me off? FOX's hand-wringing over TSCC being the one that fucks up the Terminator franchise and the subsequent snubbing by the studio. Like, really? You thought this piece of shit script was the *better* alternative? I'd also rant about how FOX could have used TSCC as a promotional piece for the movie benefiting both. I mean, really, *one* extended trailer? No behind the scenes stuff, no interviews with the cast? No using TSCC as a BUILT-IN HYPE MACHINE to promote the movie in a way that would help boost the show's ratings? SO, thanks FOX for fucking over a good tv show for a shitty movie!

It was just bit in there so that THE FUCKING KILLER could sweep in and save her, and show us WHAT A GOOD GUY HE IS.

Lol, yes. But not just that, it was supposed to make us wonder whether or not he was a machine. Which is my other biggest criticism of the movie is the trailers SPOIL EVERYTHING!! So, I was bored out of my skull waiting for John to show up (since I already knew what was going to happen) and reveal to Marcus that he's a machine and that took like HALF THE MOVIE! Then again, I guess if the trailer's had been bit more honest and showed that the movie was about some dude named Marcus instead of John FUCKING Connor? It'd be tanking at the box office worse than it already is.

Sadly, I still think they're gonna make a sequel. Hopefully, McG and the writers for this WON'T be invited back! Watching this movie made me appreciate James Cameron.. and I *never* thought I'd say that!

[su-bones.livejournal.com]

LOL, I guess I won't be seing T4 then...I don't really care, I really don'like Christian Bale *don't kill me*
And *again, don't kill me* I very much like John/Cameron *seriously, don't kill me*, and I hated T3, and Kate, so yeah, no T4 for me, uh?

ANd Lesbian Vampire Killers...really? LOL, what a disappointment, when my bff came from London and told me about it (theey were advertising it all over, while we never heard about it here in Portugal), I thought it must be funny...I'll save some money, thanks.

*you can kill me now, I said everything I wanted :P*

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

.I don't really care, I really don'like Christian Bale *don't kill me*

Oh, I'm not a Bale fangirl, don't worry. I generally think the guy is a pretty good actor, but I'm not gonna bust out the hateration. Honestly, I think anyone could have played John in this movie because virtually no acting was required whatsoever.

And *again, don't kill me* I very much like John/Cameron *seriously, don't kill me*, and I hated T3, and Kate, so yeah, no T4 for me, uh?

I'm a Sarah/Cameron shipper myself, if I had to choose, but I don't hate John/Cameron. They were definitely very interesting on the show. And I will say that Claire Danes was pretty unlikeable as Kate in T3. Bryce Dallas Howard's Kate is 1000x more awesome. I really liked Kate in this (then again, she was practically an entirely different character so there's really no point in comparing them. Really on the name is the same)

But yeah, there's really no need to see this movie. You'll miss nothing if you don't see it. Just rewatch Sarah Connor Chronicles and remember what a good Terminator project is like.

I thought it must be funny...

I didn't laugh once. Not once. It was painfully unfunny actually. It's just terrible. Save your money for sure.

[ralst.livejournal.com]

Lesbian Vampire Killers has to be one of the most misogynistic and homophobic films I've seen in a long time. Seriously, you save the lovely maidens from the nasty lesbians with a big cock? How... lame... stupid... fuckwitted! Jimmy could easily have been a cardboard cuttout. The 'I love you' from Lotte made no sense, as she'd only spent about ten minutes in his company, and, you know, cardboard cuttout. Fletch was an arse-hole. Oh, and just in case they hadn't included enough anti-gay humour, they end with the outline of a gay male werewolf. Pathetic bunch of crap.

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Lesbian Vampire Killers has to be one of the most misogynistic and homophobic films I've seen in a long time.

THIS! From the opening scene it was unfunny and offense and it stayed that way throughout. I was literally disgusted at parts.

Jimmy could easily have been a cardboard cuttout.

He wasn't?

Oh, and just in case they hadn't included enough anti-gay humour, they end with the outline of a gay male werewolf.

When I saw that I just like closed my laptop in disgust. It was the final straw.

Pathetic bunch of crap.

This. Utterly and completely.

[hivesix.livejournal.com]

Sigh. Really gutting to hear that T4 is boring. I loooove Christian Bale! I think I will still pay to watch it though.

Lesbian Vampire Killers... Never took it seriously for one bit. *Is* it meant to be a serious movie? Like, a serious comedy (oxymoronic, I know). I always got the impression that the movie was taking the piss, but out of what I didn't know.

Thank you for watching these boring movies so I can make an informed decision. You are like the health professional of movie watching; your efforts have not been in vain! :)

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Really gutting to hear that T4 is boring. I loooove Christian Bale! I think I will still pay to watch it though.

See an afternoon show or something. It's not terrible. It's just really boring, and pointless. I was left feeling like "So what?" at the end. But it looks fantastic.

*Is* it meant to be a serious movie? Like, a serious comedy (oxymoronic, I know). I always got the impression that the movie was taking the piss, but out of what I didn't know.

I'm sure it was supposed to be a parody of some kind or something. Either way, it was supposed to funny, and it was not funny at all. I laughed more at the trailer for "Dance Flick" than I did for this entire movie, and I think that "Dance Flick" looks like a fucking stupid movie. The trailer for a movie which I'm sure is horrible was more amusing to me than this WHOLE movie.

You are like the health professional of movie watching; your efforts have not been in vain! :)

If I can save anyone the pain I've gone through then it's worth it. Thank you for letting me know that I've helped. It eases the pain a bit ;)

[trufflehog.livejournal.com]

your description for T4 is pretty spot on. Usually explosions-without-plot is just fine by me, and my friends and i really only went to see this because it -did- look awfully pretty...but gosh. what!!!
not quite-redeeming-aspects include...

a. bryce. i still love her from the village and holy crap was she legit pregnant because she looked it. i agree she and john had this really interesting partnership going that i enjoyed watching [for all...5 minutes of it]. more of her pls.

b. 'that-guy-who-plays-chekov'. not gonna lie. we wanted to see more of him. even if his character was redonk.

c. the ridiculously desaturated color palette [minus red seaweed plants], some really sweet explosions, and an overall pretty looking flick. the satellite dishes being destroyed was niiiice.

d. that we snuck in to it after seeing 'up' and it was free

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Usually explosions-without-plot is just fine by me, and my friends and i really only went to see this because it -did- look awfully pretty...

Yeah, you know what. I'm not really a film snob. I just want to be entertained. I don't need movies to be all deep and shit, just make me laugh, and make me go "fuck that's cool", and give me some likable characters and I'm pretty happy. I mean, I own Ghosts of Mars on DVD for fucks sake, I have no room to judge really.

But this movie committed the unforgivable sin of boring the shit out of me.

a. bryce.

Bryce was a light in a tunnel of darkness. I've liked her since The Village too, and I thought she was great as Gwen in Spiderman 4 (in fact she was the only thing I liked about Spiderman 4). I even watched that Mermaid M. Night movie for her (I can't remember what it's called now and I don't care enough to look it up, Lady in the Water or something). I was actually really interested in Kate, and would have loved to see more of her. And of course more of her and John.

b. 'that-guy-who-plays-chekov'. not gonna lie. we wanted to see more of him. even if his character was redonk.


I really heart Anton Yelchin. I've loved him for years. So, yeah I was interested when Kyle was onscreen. I would have loved it even more if he didn't have to share screen time with Marcus though. Kyle and John fighting together would have been the awesomest thing ever to watch.

an overall pretty looking flick

This. It was all style over substance. It did look great, it was just a pretty shell though.

d. that we snuck in to it after seeing 'up' and it was free


Nice. I saw it for free too, which is probably one of the reasons I'm not ranting more, lol

[madndizzee.livejournal.com]

yikes. thanks for the heads-up. i don't like Bale anyway and was put off T4 by his mere presence.

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's definitely one you can miss without any feelings of guilt. It was pretty worthless.

[missmerrimack.livejournal.com]

The trailer for T4 made me want to see it but now that I have found out it super sucks I don't think I am. Well maybe... if it's in the dollar theater... and I'm really bored.

And I heard Lesbian Vampire Killers was a complete and utter pile of shit a while ago. You'd think a movie about lesbian vampires would be made of awesomeness, but no.

I'm really happy I saw Up instead. Yeah my weekend was chock full of Disney/Pixar goodness.

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

That is the dark beauty of trailers, because the one for this movie WAS good. The movie itself was worthless though. The only way to make it interesting would be to condense it into two minute clips accompanied by a rockin' soundtrack.

You'd think a movie about lesbian vampires would be made of awesomeness, but no.

Mte. But it's absolute dredge. There's not one good thing about the film. And more than being boring like T4, this movie is actually offense and infuriating.

I'm really happy I saw Up instead.

I've been hearing good things about this. I need to check it out. I'm in desperate need of seeing a GOOD movie ;)

[thelana.livejournal.com]

I read somewhere that the original intention was to end T:S with John actually dying at the end. As a huge cliffhanger, "OMG, what are they going to do next?" ending. But the audience didn't get it (hence Skynet spells out its plan in detail) and didn't like it (hence the plan that was supposed to actually work in the original version of the movie doesn't work and only seems silly then).

So I'm guessing they spent so much time on Marcus' story because they were setting it up for a big cliffhanger twist (Marcus actually has no free will and gets wiped by Skynet and shoots everybody) that they had to take out.

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

I read somewhere that the original intention was to end T:S with John actually dying at the end.



UGH. And hear I thought the movie couldn't possibly have been any worse.

So I'm guessing they spent so much time on Marcus' story because they were setting it up for a big cliffhanger twist (Marcus actually has no free will and gets wiped by Skynet and shoots everybody) that they had to take out.

My big problem is that I don't think Marcus was needed at all. Why the story couldn't be about John baffles me. Why introduce this new character at all, and have the focus of the film be on him? It's not a reboot. If John Connor is in the film, John Connor should be the focus.

And I can't help but feel that whatever they were trying to do with Marcus in the film, was just a really dumbed down version of what they were doing with Cameron on T:SCC. And I like Cameron way better ;)

[amluv.livejournal.com]

i've miss you and want to have your babies. first, i love the betty white thing...it made me laugh especially since i've been watching the golden girls all day.

second, while i wasn't wowed by T:S, i didn't hate it as much as you. then again, i was a bit hungover when i saw it, so pretty much anything that took my mind off of the fact i was pretty nauseous all day was welcomed. third, did i mention the thing about having your babies?? ;)

seriously though, i don't think you can expect a whole lot from a franchise once the originators of said franchise jump ship because it usually becomes something else. hell when you think about it, franchises inherently become something completely different after it becomes a cash cow and every greedy little finger that can find a way to fuck it pretty much does. *looks at matrix and wants to cry*

i try not to go into these things w/ much expectation. i saw some shit blow up; some hot chicks; some hot dudes; HBC in a bald wig; transformer terminators and proof that michael ironside is still alive and badass and that makes it less of a turd burger for me than it was for you. ;)

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

i've miss you and want to have your babies.

I saw we practice until we find a way to make this happen! And if we don't ... well, sometimes "practicing" is it's own reward ;)

i love the betty white thing...it made me laugh especially since i've been watching the golden girls all day.

Betty White is made of awesome and win.

i didn't hate it as much as you. then again, i was a bit hungover when i saw it, so pretty much anything that took my mind off of the fact i was pretty nauseous all day was welcomed.

I didn't really hate it. I was just very


http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y295/fembuck/giveafuckbay.jpg

about it. I just felt like I should warn people that if they were torn between watching T:S and say talking a nap or clipping their nails, that they'd be better of clipping their nails and then taking a nap then seeing the movie.

Oh, hangovers. The actions that lead to you are so much fun, but sadly you are not. I hope that you are fully recovered now, and if T: S made you feel less nauseous then it has a reason for existing, and I am glad for it.

i don't think you can expect a whole lot from a franchise once the originators of said franchise jump ship because it usually becomes something else.

This. I'm really worried about the new Batman franchise. I think I'll probably avoid the films once Nolan leaves. Once the person with the vision is out of the picture things really do usually devovle into a pile of poo.

and proof that michael ironside is still alive and badass

lol! I know. When he popped up, I was like "MICHAEL IRONSIDE! SWEET!" For some reason he was in that category of older actors who I'm not sure if they're dead or alive, so it was nice to see him alive and kicking :D

[ic1pher.livejournal.com]

Thank you for saving my time on both accounts. :)
I so wanted LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS to be a good film, but that didn't happen it seems.

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Glad to be of service. If my pain can save others from suffering the same fate, then there was something worthwhile in my suffering, lol

I so wanted LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS to be a good film, but that didn't happen it seems.

Me too. In the hands of someone like Angela Robinson (D.E.B.S) I think that it could have been an amazing (and super funny) film, but that did not happy at all. Such a shame.

[oneiric22.livejournal.com]

Angela Robinson makes everything 100x better. Hell, she made me watch L Word again after I felt it got too crappy to bother with.

[picardhouse.livejournal.com]

For some reason, I thought lesbian vampire killers would be about lesbians who kill vampires.
I was actually going to see that movie today, thanks for the warning

[oneiric22.livejournal.com]

Well, between your review and trancer21's, I am going to skip out on the new Terminator movie. This really blows. T:S was one of the movies that I was really looking forward to seeing this year. I loved T:SCC so much, that I guess I was hoping that it could continue the awesome. I should have known better. It didn't have Lena Headley.

[k8matty.livejournal.com]

oh noez, lesbian vampire killers was a fail? Crapshit. I was looking forward to that movie *kicks things*

Rubbish rubbish rubbish.

Now someone has to make 'Haunted House of the Bisexual Vampire Gangbangs' or something similar to appease me. What? Who said that? Don't be gross. *flees*

[miss-bittens.livejournal.com]

Huh, I am oddly relieved to find that someone shares my pain re: Lesbian Vampire Killers. I saw it a couple of years ago because of my FEELINGs regarding Myanna Buring (and *squee* at you calling her out for actually being talented, and gawd, now I'm wanting to watch The Descent or something again) and it haunts me to this day. It was just so gross and the humour was so terrible and I honestly wouldn't be surprised to find out the script was written by two horny twelve-year-old boys. Or Beavis and Butthead.

Um, sorry about the random outburst of rambling from someone who you've never seen before, two years after the relevant post, and I hope that didn't make me look too much like a lunatic, or the bad kind of lunatic... I just followed a link to this LJ and was looking through your Lost Girl recappy-things, and then I saw you had a tag for Lesbian Vampire Killers and wanted to see what you said, because I don't know many people who've even heard of this movie, and most of them didn't seem to hate it as much as I did, and then I sort of wanted to share my relief, or thank you, or something. I don't know. Thank you?

Okay, I think that explanation might've just made me look crazier.