Damn you, Milla Jovovich!

[fembuck]

Just when I was starting to get over the black and white dreams of Megan Fox and Olivia Wilde as a step-daughter and a step-mother with a very sexy secret, with a co-staring role from you as the crazy, half-Russian, possibly incestuous, possible step-sister you had to go and do a photo shoot like ...



I've decided in my head that Milla's character name in this film noir would be Anna.  So, here we have Anna and her bitch equally crazy Russian bestie, Sasha Pivovarova (I'm not gonna bother changing this name because it sounds made-up and awesome anyway!) taking it easy before before hitting all of the sexy, stylish lesbian jazz clubs in town.  Anna's getting ready to order Chinese food I think.  It's very serious business.


And here we have our two ladies, dressed for success, ready to dance up a storm and break some hearts.  Sasha's looking particularly sassy here, which I think indicates they're after a menage tonight.


They were after a menage, and it was good.  Anna's happy, relaxed, and sexed out .... JUST KIDDING!  Anna doesn't get sexed out.  She's Russian!  She's just taking a smoke break, then she's going to go back into that bedroom and show those girls some tricks she learned when she was touring with the Russian circus!


Anna is not just a sexy girl, she's also a bad girl and now she's ready to get into trouble.  I think she's probably going to meet with someone who can sell her drugs, or guns, or both.  They're probably gonna meet in a burlesque house as well, because Anna knows the girls and can get a discount on drinks, and ... well, burlesque, baby!  Fuck yeah!


Act natural, Sasha!  Act natural!  We're just two fabulous ladies, out for a walk.  ACT NATURAL!  Nobody needs to know that my purse is full of cocaine, absinthe, hundred dollar bills, pistols and panties.  And it's none of their business anyway!  Just act natural and it'll all be okay.  Anna will take care of you baby, you know I will.  Just keep walking, baby and I'll make it all better when we get home, I promise.


Fuck yeah!  The sweet taste of success.  Huh, imagine that it taste a lot like white wine.  Yummy.  Didn't Anna promise you she'd take care of you?  Didn't Anna promise you everything would be okay!  Now look us.  Having a picnic on a motherfucking beach!  Hells yes.  Anna knows how to take care of business.  Get out the strawberries, baby, Mama wants to suck on something sweet.


Tell me that doesn't look like a whore house!  You can't, cause it does.  A really fabulous one!


Oh, my god, Becky!  Look at her ass!  You could bounce a quarter off of that thing!

Source

*sigh*  Why can't this dream come true!?!?!?!

Comments

[crys-22.livejournal.com]

While reading the captions, I don't know why, but I was reminded of Milla's commentary track on the first Resident Evil DVD and it cracked me up even more.

[khase-fan09.livejournal.com]

HA! I know, right? Milla being gay FTW! *silly grin*

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Milla being gay FTW!

This.

She just does it so damn well!

[sinandmisery.livejournal.com]

lol me too!!! gay milla <3

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

The world needs more gay Milla!

At least now that she's modelling more (yay!), we'll probably be in for more gay!Milla pictures at least!

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

lol! That's such a sweet thing to say :D The RE commentary is one of my favoritest things ever. Milla is hilarious.

[trancer21.livejournal.com]

At this point, I'm beginning to think Jovovich lurks on your LJ. Really, what other reason is there for her doing a photo shoot like this? Which must mean she's cracking her whip on some poor copy-boy at Sony screenwriter, who only walked into *that* bar because he needed directions. Not that I feel too sorry for him because, dude, it's Jovovich with a whip!


Nobody needs to know that my purse is full of cocaine, absinthe, hundred dollar bills, pistols and panties. And it's none of their business anyway!

Hee! It's funny 'cuz it's true!

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

At this point, I'm beginning to think Jovovich lurks on your LJ.

lol! This makes me laugh, because clearly she likes reading lesbian porn about herself if that's true. And that makes me love her even more :D

Really, what other reason is there for her doing a photo shoot like this?

Seeing how many people she can spontaneously make jizz in their pants?

it's Jovovich with a whip!

... ... ... *oh, you already know where I've gone*

Hee! It's funny 'cuz it's true!

A ladies handbag is sacred!

[seriousfic.livejournal.com]

Tell me that doesn't look like a whore house! You can't, cause it does. A really fabulous one!

You know Anna would be really good at running a whorehouse. She'd take care of her girls, and if someone didn't pay, shotgun time!

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

She'd take care of her girls, and if someone didn't pay, shotgun time!

Mmm, yes! Milla would be the sexiest pimp ever. And you know her girls would be the best in town, because she'd personally give them some TLC. She's the type of Madam, who would sponge you down in the bath and ... I really, really like this idea!

[seriousfic.livejournal.com]

And she'd have the mayor and off-duty cops hanging around in her whorehouse, because she has shit on everyone and could totally run the city if she wanted to, but that would cut into her siesta-and-outrageously-flirting-with-cute-reporters-and-PIs-time. Her big contribution to the war effort is giving anyone in uniform half off. If it's Prohibition era, she moves more alcohol than a frathouse.

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Fuck yeah!

but that would cut into her siesta-and-outrageously-flirting-with-cute-reporters-and-PIs-time.

Hee. She doesn't need the beauty sleep, but she sure as hell wants it! Also, I could totally see her flirting it up with cute reporters and PIs. They'd be so overwhelmed by her charisma and good looks that while talking to her their panties would probably fall right off.

The best part about her is that, not only is she manipulating and blackmailing this politicians, but she's also probably banging their wives in secret!

Her big contribution to the war effort is giving anyone in uniform half off.

lol!

Also, you know that she smokes French cigarettes, and drinks nothing but Vodka (straight up!). And, when the girls are naughty, she takes them over her knee and shows them who's boss. And they like it dammit! She has to be all like, "Girls! Don't be bad on purpose. If you want a little attention from Mama, all you have to do is ask." And they all just swoon and jizz in their panties.

I feel like she should be a Countess who escaped from Mother Russia so that she could live her life as she wanted to (i.e. bang hot chicks whenever) without constraint.

I think she should also be a hunter, and have riding boots, many assortments of guns, and large half-wolf dogs that patrol the whorehouse.

[seriousfic.livejournal.com]

With Michelle Rodriguez as the private eye who, IDK, was a soldier in the war but was discharged when they found out she was cross-dressing so she could kill Nazis?

Then she's hired to find out the real killer of the husband and she goes to interview Anna because the step-mother used to be one of her girls, and Sasha is lying on the bed naked all "Anna, baby, come back to bed" and Anna just swears at her in Russian and is all "you like her, detective? I only hire her out to a select clientele, but the discount is to die for. You don't have to pay a cent so long as you let me watch."

[trancer21.livejournal.com]

Okay, that's it. This movie *has* to made so it can become a giant blockbuster that spins off this:

...a soldier in the war but was discharged when they found out she was cross-dressing so she could kill Nazis?

It'll be like Inglorious Bastards except with lesbians! Inglorious LESBIANS!! Mostly, it's just to see Michelle Rodriguez in a uniform shooting guns.. and making out with Milla Jovovich.

[seriousfic.livejournal.com]

Kristanna Loken can be the sultry nightclub singer whose affair with Michelle is what gets her exposed as a woman. That way Detective Michelle can have a lost love to brood over while she drinks SHOTS OF WHISKEY and buries her sorrow in the arms of LOOSE WOMEN! YEAH!

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Kristanna Loken can be the sultry nightclub singer whose affair with Michelle is what gets her exposed as a woman.

I would sell a vital organ to see this.

I wish Kristanna would star in something that didn't suck soon so that I could watch her fine ass guilt free. I tried to sit through a rerun of Painkiller Jane recently so that I could look at her, and it was just too hard!

Also, I love that 'shots of whiskey' and 'loose women' were capitalized, because they are 100% awesome and should be!

[seriousfic.livejournal.com]

Also, I love that 'shots of whiskey' and 'loose women' were capitalized, because they are 100% awesome and should be!

Because Michelle does shots of whiskey while sexing up loose women, THAT'S HOW BITTER AND JADED SHE IS.

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

It'll be like Inglorious Bastards except with lesbians! Inglorious LESBIANS!!

Ah, so you mean and Inglorious Bastards I actually look forward to seeing? *nods*

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Sasha is lying on the bed naked all "Anna, baby, come back to bed" and Anna just swears at her in Russian and is all "you like her, detective? I only hire her out to a select clientele, but the discount is to die for. You don't have to pay a cent so long as you let me watch."

Jimp'ed.

That sentence is a work of art. Honestly. Hot like fire.

Michelle Rodriguez as the private eye who, IDK, was a soldier in the war but was discharged when they found out she was cross-dressing so she could kill Nazis?

Leave it up to Michelle Rodriquez to be awesome enough to play a P.I. AND a Nazi killer in one movie. The woman is a wonder, truly.

[tristianmakhai.livejournal.com]

...you do realise that you have most of the 'plot' worked out and now you need to write this, right? Cause I'd fucking read this in a heart beat. Hell, I'm laughing myself silly over just the play-by-play, but if this were seriously written. Mmm, lovin the visuals already.

Tell you what, I win lotto and I'll fund this project. Been drooling over Milla for freaking years now, and she gets me every damn time. [sighs happily]

BTW, your captions in the original post made the shoot awesome. I mean, it already was wicked cool with the Milla, but you...your snark and imagination are priceless.

[sinandmisery.livejournal.com]

oh fuck me sideways. just when i thought i was slowly getting over the massive milla crushage...

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

lol. I know. Milla had almost slipped from my radar when I started my RE rewatchage when I was sick, and now it's like there's a Milla party in my brain and everyone's invited. She's even gone back to being a brunette, which I love.

Oh, Milla, you know how to draw us back in! Never change my dear, never change.

[ic1pher.livejournal.com]

Somebody should definitely write a film noir style of a fic about this. ;)

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know. I wonder who could do that ;)

Honestly, I want to. I tried. But the details of the murder mystery plotline are tripping me up. Dan Brown I am not, lol. I'm still trying though, the idea is just too sexy to give up on entirely.

[jay00789.livejournal.com]

Tell me that doesn't look like a whore house! You can't, cause it does. A really fabulous one!

If there were any hint about it being a whore house, it might just be the orange and yellow carpet on the black, blue, and green steps.

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

it might just be the orange and yellow carpet on the black, blue, and green steps.

lol! That just screams whorehouse doesn't it! The only thing that could make it look more like a whorehouse was is Sasha Pivovarova was standing behind Milla in fishnets and a corset.

[slavefaith.livejournal.com]

your dream has become my dream... haaaawt.

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that we can share this beautiful dream together *wipes tear from eye*

[wishing-wounds.livejournal.com]

Goddamn.

Milla was my first celebrity crush because the first movie I ever saw on TV was The Fifth Element.

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Milla was my first celebrity crush because the first movie I ever saw on TV was The Fifth Element.

Yeah, The Fifth Element introduced me to Milla as well, and I've been kind of in love with her ever since. Actually, that's not true. It was after I listened to the commentary for the first Resident Evil movie that I feel for her madly.

[wishing-wounds.livejournal.com]

Her movie commentary is unparalleled, lol.

[madndizzee.livejournal.com]

i is speechless. i can see it all happening with a jazzy soundtrack in the background. seriously, you gotta write a script with all this noir stuff. and trancer should do a movie poster. Olivia Wilde as the scheming gold-digger stepdaughter-seducing stepmother, Megan Fox as the not-so-innocent stepdaughter, Milla Jovovich as the crazy half-sister/stepsister/whorehouse madam, Sasha whatshername as the whorehouse madam's favourite bitch, Michelle Rodriguez as the P.I. with an attitude/secret agenda, Karl Urban as the jaded grizzled cop, and... i dunno who should be the dead (or is he?) father. oh and there needs to be a butler/housekeeper/maid who was having an affair with the father!

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

Sasha whatshername as the whorehouse madam's favourite bitch

Favorite bitch, LOL! It's funny cause it's true (and hot). I bet she has a tiny little bed that she gets to sleep in at the foot of Milla's king size!

i dunno who should be the dead (or is he?) father.

Me either. He's dead though, so it doesn't really matter. I'd kind of like it if is was someone classy like Donald Sutherland though.

oh and there needs to be a butler/housekeeper/maid who was having an affair with the father!

Definitely. Hell, maybe both were!

[novak_fan]

LMAO! Dude, this post seriously made my whole week. Not only because TEH Jovovich (that's naturally a given of course) but because those captions are too awesome for words.

*sigh* Why can't this dream come true!?!?!?!

Seriously. This proves that stuff like The secret just sucks...if that was the case we already could have more movies-sequels-prequels of this film noir of yours that George Lucas could only dream with.

[fembuck.livejournal.com]

This proves that stuff like The secret just sucks...i

I know! Vision board my ass! I've got a really clear vision, WITH PICTURES and I don't have any messages from producers on my cell offering to make my vision come true! The secret, pssah. More like the shit-ret (I'm sorry, that's the best I can do in this condition!)

[lost-dreamer23.livejournal.com]

THIS IS CRAZY. BECAUSE IN OUR CLASS AT SUMMER CAMP (where I've been this whole time, I'm sorry bb) WE'RE LOOKING AT FILM NOIR.

ILYSFM.