OMG, funniest shit ever!
Aug. 19th, 2008 09:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fembuckFor anyone out there who absolutely can't stand Edward Cullen, you have to read this! I've been laughing out loud for like the last half hour. This is just so, so, Edward. Only instead of pissing me off it makes me LOL til it hurts.
Edward Cullen is a 40 year old mother on a bad day
OMG, so good.
Edward Cullen is a 40 year old mother on a bad day
OMG, so good.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-08-20 03:10 am (UTC)I glad I could help. Once I saw it, I knew I had to share the haterade with others!
I'll stop commenting and go read the rest.
Dude, this shit is epic. Quote away. I would totally be happy to just post my favorite parts, and read other people's again and again. Epic.
Emmett makes Edward watch porn:
saint_renegade: why is this woman sleeping with the pool boy?
saint_renegade: WHAT COULD HE OFFER HER?
oxymoronassoc: HE CAN'T MAKE MORE THAN $22,000 A YEAR
oxymoronassoc: THAT WILL NOT SUPPORT HER
oxymoronassoc: I AM SUSPICIOUS OF THEIR ALLEGED LOVE
oxymoronassoc: IT IS UNPURE
saint_renegade: I DO NOT SEE THE CONNECTION HERE
saint_renegade: THIS FILM HAS FAILED TO MAKE ME BELIEVE THEIR RELATIONSHIP AT ALL
oxymoronassoc: EMMETT YOU CAN SEE THE BOOM MIC
oxymoronassoc: THE PRODUCTION VALUE IS SHODDY AT BEST
saint_renegade: IT IS LAZY
oxymoronassoc: COULD THEY NOT AFFORD MORE FABRIC FOR THE COSTUMES?
saint_renegade: FRANKLY, IT SEEMS LIKE THIS WAS MADE ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON
oxymoronassoc: I DO NOT BELIEVE A LADY COP WOULD DRESS IN SUCH A MANNER
saint_renegade: I'VE SEEN BETTER STUDENT FILMS
oxymoronassoc: IT IS TERRIBLY UNPROFESSIONAL
saint_renegade: SHE HAS WORKED HARD TO BE RESPECTED IN A MALE DOMINATED FIELD
saint_renegade: SHE WOULD NOT THROW IT AWAY BY SLEEPING WITH FIVE MEMBERS OF THE FORCE AT ONCE
oxymoronassoc: WHY MUST WE SUBJUGATE HER IN THIS MANNER?
saint_renegade: they are NEVER going to catch the killer this way!
oxymoronassoc: THE BLATANT OBJECTIFICATION OF WOMEN IN THIS FILM OFFENDS ME DEEPLY
saint_renegade: I PRAY TO THE LORD YOU DO NOT TREAT ROSALIE IN SUCH A MANNER
no subject
Date: 2008-08-20 03:14 am (UTC)WELL IN THAT CASE!: (I cannot tell you how much I laughed at this part!)
oxymoronassoc: i bet bella used pads
oxymoronassoc: and edward was like UH CAN YOU SWITCH TO TAMPONS PLZ THANKS
saint_renegade: HE WOULD NEVER ASK HER TO DO THAT
saint_renegade: SHE WOULD BE UNPURE
oxymoronassoc: WELL ALICE WOULD
oxymoronassoc: SHE'D BE LIKE "UHM BELLA WE NEED TO CHAT"
oxymoronassoc: EDWARD IS TOO MUCH OF A GENTLEMAN TO SAY ANYTHING BUT AS YOUR FRIEND
oxymoronassoc: YOUR BESTEST BEST GIRL FRIEND
oxymoronassoc: I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BRING IT UP
oxymoronassoc: YOUR PERIOD MAKES HIM UNCOMFORTABLE. NO NO NO DON'T FEEL BAD!!!
oxymoronassoc: YOU CANT HELP IT
oxymoronassoc: BUT MAYBE IF YOU USED TAMPONS INSTEAD?
oxymoronassoc: I HEAR THEY ARE QUITE PAINLESS TO USE, VERY EASY!!!
oxymoronassoc: I GOT YOU LIKE FIVE DIFFERENT KINDS
oxymoronassoc: SO YOU CAN FIND ONE YOU LIKE
oxymoronassoc: and bella would just take them and be blushing and all mumbling embarassed like
oxymoronassoc: I MEAN YOU DONT HAVE TO USE THEM BELLA! IF IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE
oxymoronassoc: IT'S JUST HARD YOU KNOW? FOR HIM. SMELLING THE BLOOD. NOT THAT YOU SMELL!!!!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-20 03:20 am (UTC)saint_renegade: I'M PERFECTING MY ART!!!!!
saint_renegade: WHAT ARE YOU DOING BESIDES BEING FILTHY?
oxymoronassoc: emmett will use them one day when he and jasper are pretending aliens are invading in the backyard and karate chop them to bits
oxymoronassoc: and edward will flip his shit
oxymoronassoc: NO RESPECT
oxymoronassoc: NO RESPECT!!!!
oxymoronassoc: THAT WAS ART!
oxymoronassoc: ART!!!
saint_renegade: oh that would be the shitfit for the ages
saint_renegade: EMERGENCY HOUSE MEETING!!!!!
saint_renegade: Edward would just walk outside and see it and start screaming for a meeting
saint_renegade: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT
saint_renegade: WELL I WILL TELL YOU SOMETHING MISTER,
oxymoronassoc: DONT EVEN TRY TO SAY YOU DIDNT THINK ANYONE WAS USING THOSE, EMMETT
saint_renegade: YOU HAVE TAKEN IT TOO FAR
oxymoronassoc: I KNOW YOU KNEW THAT I MADE THOSE FOR ESME
saint_renegade: TOO FAR
saint_renegade: THOSE TOOK TIME AND HARD WORK
saint_renegade: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO WORK ON SOMETHING?
saint_renegade: DO YOU?
lol, you know I made those for Esme! I'm perfecting my art!
Epic!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-20 03:25 am (UTC)saint_renegade: YOU CAN SPEND THE NIGHT WITH ME, I AM READING THE LORD OF THE RINGS SERIES AGAIN
saint_renegade: WE CAN READ THE BOOKS TO EACH OTHER
oxymoronassoc: I DO VOICES FOR THE CHARACTERS
oxymoronassoc: I CAN SPEAK ELVEN, YOU KNOW?
oxymoronassoc: YES, I LEARNED IT LAST WEEK.
saint_renegade: DO YOU WANT TO LEARN?
saint_renegade: IT'S NOT COMPLICATED AT ALL
oxymoronassoc: IT'S REALLY A VERY SIMPLE PATTERN TO MEMORIZE.
saint_renegade: oh, what fun we would have, talking to each other in it
saint_renegade: NO ONE WOULD UNDERSTAND
saint_renegade: think of the pranks we could play!
saint_renegade: OF COURSE, GOOD NATURED PRANKS
saint_renegade: UNLIKE SOME, I WOULD NEVER DESTROY OTHER PEOPLES BELONGINGS
saint_renegade: YES, I AM STILL UPSET OVER THE BOWLS, EMMETT!!!!
oxymoronassoc: LITTERING WITH TOILET PAPER IS JUST UNKIND TO YOUR NEIGHBORS
saint_renegade: I CAN TAKE ALL THE TIME I NEED TO HEAL, OK
oxymoronassoc: YOU SHOULD DO UNTO THEM AS YOU WOULD HAVE DONE UNTO YOU
saint_renegade: MOTHER AGREED WITH ME
and I LOVE this line!!!: STOP USING MY CHLOROX PEN TO WRITE "DICK" ON MY BLACK UNDERWEAR
no subject
Date: 2008-08-20 03:37 am (UTC)lol. I could totally see Alice trying to drop hints in the girls washroom whenever she was in there. She'd have to do it by herself, because Rosalie (fabulous bitch that she is) would totally not be down for that shit.
Alice should run for like Class President on that platform. "Chicken fingers everyday! And tampons for all! Vote Cullen!"
OMG, I loved that section. SOOOOOO FUNNY!
STOP USING MY CHLOROX PEN TO WRITE "DICK" ON MY BLACK UNDERWEAR
So beautiful.
oxymoronassoc: I BET HE GOES SHOPPING WITH ALICE
oxymoronassoc: AND IS A PICKY LITTLE BITCH
oxymoronassoc: AND EMMETT IS LIKE BRO JUST BUY A SHIRT
oxymoronassoc: THE GAME IS ON A FOUR
oxymoronassoc: I GOTTA GET HOME FOR THE GAME
oxymoronassoc: and alice is like THEY LOSE
oxymoronassoc: AND EMMETT IS LIKE "fUCK YOU ALICE FUCK YOU"
saint_renegade: that is the one time emmett gets pissy
saint_renegade: he like storms out to bitch to rosalie
saint_renegade: who doesn't care
oxymoronassoc: he knocks over a whole dressing rack
oxymoronassoc: and they are asked to leave the store
saint_renegade: Edward is like WE CAN NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITH YOU!!!!
saint_renegade: HOW EMBARASSING!
oxymoronassoc: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT EMMETT
oxymoronassoc: WHY?????
saint_renegade: ARE YOU A CHILD?
I just love Alice being all like "they lose" here. And the went out to Rosalie ... who didn't care bit. So good. Soooo good.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-20 03:45 am (UTC)The Harry Potter bit was priceless.
saint_renegade: OH THANK GOD, IT IS EIGHT, I AM OFF TOO WATCH MY LOVE SLEEP
saint_renegade: NO SHE DOESN'T KNOW I DO THAT
saint_renegade: I DON'T SEE THE PROBLEM
saint_renegade: NO ONE IS BEING DISRESPECTED
oxymoronassoc: I AM JUST MAKING SURE SHE DOESN'T CHOKE OR SOMETHING.
saint_renegade: DO YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE DIE IN THEIR SLEEP?
oxymoronassoc: SHE IS TERRIBLY ACCIDENT PRONE. I WOULD HATE FOR SOMETHING TO BEFALL HER.
oxymoronassoc: I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW I DO NOT GO THROUGH HER THINGS. THAT WOULD JUST BE RUDE.
saint_renegade: READ A BOOK, SOMETIME, PLEASE
I love how creepy stalker he is! And the sniffing her dirty underwear! OMG! LOL
no subject
Date: 2008-08-20 03:50 am (UTC)The thing is that HE IS a creepy stalker. I love that in this piece they are totally calling him and that creepy, creepy behavior. It would surprise me if he listened to her when she was going to the washroom. Such a perv.
oxymoronassoc: OPRAH WOULD NOT TOLERATE SUCH BEHAVIOR
oxymoronassoc: THAT WOMAN IS A SAINT.
oxymoronassoc: A SAINT!!!!
saint_renegade: NEVER
AND
saint_renegade: NEXT WEEK: EMMETT WANTS TO CHEAT OFF OF EDWARD
oxymoronassoc: EDWARD WILL NOT STAND FOR SUCH PETTINESS. IT IS NOT HIS FAULT EMMETT HAS FAILED THIS COURSE SIX TIMES AT FIVE DIFFERENT SCHOOLS. HE IS PUTTING HIS FOOT DOWN.
saint_renegade: YES JASPER, THIS DOES MATTER
saint_renegade: I OFFERED TO TUTOR HIM, MANY TIMES
saint_renegade: AND "X BOX" ALWAYS COMES FIRST
saint_renegade: WELL, HE IS GOING TO GET THE GRADE HE DESERVES
saint_renegade: LORD OF THE FLIES IS NOT A HARD BOOK
saint_renegade: THERE IS NO EXCUSE
no subject
Date: 2008-08-20 03:56 am (UTC)oxymoronassoc: THAT WOMAN SOUNDS AS IF SHE IS BEING GRIEVOUSLY INJURED
&
oxymoronassoc: THAT WOMAN SHOULD NOT BE DOING SUCH UNSPEAKABLE ACTS WITH THAT BURRO!
The whole thing with the horse!
The first round was the best. Scrapbooking! And listening to Coldplay in his room while he pouts. All I could think of was "I'm going to listen to Coldplay and cut myself!"
This is just too fantastic!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-20 04:00 am (UTC)I know right? That is some seriously creepy behavior right there. There's a reason people get arrested for that shit Edward. It's fucked and weird!
The whole thing with the horse!
That had me in stitches. Too funny.
oxymoronassoc: can you imagine edward in PE class
oxymoronassoc: with his shockingly white legs
saint_renegade: HE WEARS HIS SHORTS ALL THE WAY UP
saint_renegade: LIKE 70'S STYLE
oxymoronassoc: AND THEY ARE LIKE REGULAR BBALL SHORTS
oxymoronassoc: SO THEY COME UP LIKE 3" ABOVE HIS NAVEL
saint_renegade: CHRIS MARTIN IS A STORYTELLER, PLEASE DO NOT SAY SUCH THINGS ABOUT HIS WIFE
oxymoronassoc: WHAT DO YOU MEAN SNOW PATROL ARE LYRICALL INSIPID?
oxymoronassoc: TAKE IT BACK
oxymoronassoc: TAKE IT BACK RIGHT NOW
saint_renegade: HAVE YOU NOT HEARD "RUN'?
saint_renegade: I OFTEN PLAY IT AND THINK OF BELLA
saint_renegade: IF I COULD CRY, I WOULD
oxymoronassoc: INSTEAD I JUST GASP FROM THE JOY AND BEAUTY OF THE MUSIC
saint_renegade: PLEASE DO NOT CALL ME A "VAG" FOR HAVING FEELINGS
no subject
Date: 2008-08-20 04:11 am (UTC)(i'm not fancy with the lj. you get copy and pasted.)
I feel very much like Harry Potter before he found Hogwarts...
Date: 2008-08-20 04:27 am (UTC)Growing Up Cullen, is just so genius. I'm so happy I found this!
Re: I feel very much like Harry Potter before he found Hogwarts...
Date: 2008-08-20 04:32 am (UTC)And you're most welcome for the link. Someone seriously needs to make an icon for the "SHE SMELLED DELICIOUS. LIKE BACON" quote. That is by far one of the BEST.
Re: I feel very much like Harry Potter before he found Hogwarts...
Date: 2008-08-20 04:48 am (UTC)Re: I feel very much like Harry Potter before he found Hogwarts...
Date: 2008-08-20 04:51 am (UTC)Re: I feel very much like Harry Potter before he found Hogwarts...
Date: 2008-08-20 04:57 am (UTC)It is gold.
Re: I feel very much like Harry Potter before he found Hogwarts...
Date: 2008-08-20 05:12 am (UTC)Re: I feel very much like Harry Potter before he found Hogwarts...
Date: 2008-08-20 06:27 am (UTC)*shakes head* Sparkling vampires! What the fuck was Meyer smoking when she came up with that (and where can I find some?)
Re: I feel very much like Harry Potter before he found Hogwarts...
Date: 2008-08-20 07:06 am (UTC)Re: I feel very much like Harry Potter before he found Hogwarts...
Date: 2008-08-20 05:23 am (UTC)Just - here, damnit.: http://ashirashadow.livejournal.com/225408.html
Re: I feel very much like Harry Potter before he found Hogwarts...
Date: 2008-08-20 06:27 am (UTC)Re: I feel very much like Harry Potter before he found Hogwarts...
Date: 2008-08-20 07:18 am (UTC)